Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I'm sitting here, watching Family Guy on the computer (because there's nothing actually on TV) and waiting for Dave to bring dinner home (Yay!!! Dave -- thank you thank you thank you!!!) because I'm in no mood to cook. I just don't feel like it.
I'm so tired - I thought I slept well last night but right now I just feel like I could drift off into dream land. I think it's the weather; it's been hot and humid, then it cools right off -- I think it's reeking havoc with my sinuses and throwing me off. I could just fall asleep.
I've been trying to refocus and write more. On somedays it works, on others - not so much but it's been helping.
Posted by Holly K at Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I think I've figured out the way to ensure and guarentee a pregnancy! I have to find a brick wall and beat myself stupid against it because apparently the only people who can get pregnant in this area are the ones who aren't trying, teenagers, people with martial issues, and the ones who are too stupid to read a pregnancy test (ie -- they had to have the pharmacist read it -- not once but twice....)!!! Grrr...
I'm ok. I'm ok. Breath...I'm going to go now and try to write. I'm going to channel my anger/frustration/irritation/sadness in to something positive and constructive.
I managed to get the front flowerbed weeded, new flowers planted, peat-mossed, and watered tonight. Took me about 4 hours. Next up is the raised ring flower bed but that's probably going to be next weekend-ish because I am pooped!!
Posted by Holly K at Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Ugh!!! I'm just entirely frustrated tonight and it's really for no reason. Maybe it's just restlessness more than frustration. I wish there was a way to fill this emptiness - this gaping hole - that I feel. I want us to have a family.
I want to write. I have no ideas.
I want to read. Nothing is capturing my attention.
I want to scream. It would be not worth the air.
I want to cry. It would be wasted tears.
I want someone to tell me why and there's no one with the answers.
I bought a lilac bush today. I'm going to plant it either tomorrow or Monday. I'm hoping that it's going to be a deep purple but I'm going to be happy with what I get. :)
I don't really want to go to work tomorrow. Ugh...I'm going to go play a game for a bit then head to bed...Ugh...
Posted by Holly K at Saturday, May 23, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Ya know -- I just -- grrrr.
I seriously want to disconnect my brain some days.
Posted by Holly K at Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Ok you've all been warned.
Mother Nature made her stop today. I'm actually kinda happy about it - a little anyway. My cycle seems to be back closer to normal (31 days this cycle as opposed to 53 last time.) which is good I guess. I was kinda hoping to fall pregnant this time around but it wasn't meant to be. I'm trying really really hard not to concentrate or focus on it. I really am.
It's hard though. I mean we got pregnant so easily last time. Why shouldn't it be just as easy this time? But, again. I'm trying really hard not to make that the focus or stress. I really really am.
Guess we'll try again next month.
In other news, I'm ripping down the wallpaper (because it's purple, gold, green, and cream vertical stripes) in the stairway. Any color suggestions? :)
Posted by Holly K at Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day to all.
I didn't think that today would affect me in any way but it has. Not in a major way but it has emphasized the hole that I feel is in our lives. I think that makes sense. I hope that makes sense. I've had a couple of people wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I'm grateful. I mean I know I'm mom to our dogs, and I do alot of the "mom" things around the house...so I guess that makes me a mom? I don't know if being pregnant for such a short period of time and not having it go to term makes me a mom. I've always thought that a mom is having someone who calls you mom. Maybe I'm wrong...
Maybe I'm rambling....
It still hurts a bit -- to see people who are mean, ugly (both in appearance and manners) and downright evil to get everything they want. To see these people who don't appreciate their child(ren) (or at very least don't seem to) and to see people who treat their child(ren) as an accessory. It's gotten easier but there's still a pang of guilt/saddness every once in awhile.
There have been two people that I know that have given birth recently and I'm happy for them. I'm ecstatic for them but in the same breathe I wish it was me.
Posted by Holly K at Sunday, May 10, 2009