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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Decisions, Options, and Random Musings...

Things continue to be ongoing, mind boggling, and otherwise irritating/frustrating... However, we have been given a set of three options, none of which I'm 100% happy with but being as they are the cards being dealt we will make the best hand we can until the next round. (Not sure what is up with the poker references...but we'll just go with it) With that being said, we make our first step towards a hopeful resolution tomorrow and go from there. It's important to me to be doing something...it's almost been 9 months since October -- my original due date is a week and a half away. I can't just sit around any longer and be inactive -- maybe that's part of my problem but I atleast need an answer or answers about a couple of things now.
Patience is a virtue. As much as I really do agree with this statement, I have to laugh at it. I was not bestowed with oodles of this virtue naturally. It's not that I'm completely impatient because I know that there are things that come with time and that only come after working for them. I don't mind standing in line, or counting down the day til a vacation...etc and I generally can be patient for most things. I REALLY do no like having no control over something that has to do with me. I am not happy not being able to fix a something as I foresee as a problem and then I have to be patient on top of that. I do not like that
Things are going well. Work seems to have settled down again. For awhile. Not much else going on.
Random fact for the day:
Odontophobia is the fear of teeth
lol :)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance...

Don't get worried - I'm not going anywhere or thinking anything drastic. I've just be rereading some previous blogs written by a friend (who has also had a miscarriage) and it's just made me think. I've come to some realizations that I just don't have the ability to put into words yet. I have to take some time and put them into context in my head before I put them on "paper". I don't know yet if this is a good thing or not - but time will soon tell.

I will blog more tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I'm Thankful For...

Ya know -- I've gotten to thinking tonight (as I was closing by myself) that the majority of these posts are pretty sad/disheartening. My life really isn't that depressing or atleast I hope it's not. I've decided that tonight, while I wait for the laundry to finish so I can switch it around before going to bed that I'm going to think of a list of things, in no particular order, that I am thankful for. :) So..Here goes...

Things I am thankful for.....

1. My Husband - who loves me - more than I think I deserve on some days.
2. My Home - "four walls and a roof" that is distinctly ours and we can do anything to it that we please. We could paint the walls hot neon pink with red, green, white and purple polka dots on blue lines if we wanted to. (Editor's note: Not that we would ever do such a thing. Seriously - we have issues with the wall paper that's up now and it's no where near that bad)
3. My Health - while there are things I would like to change, I am generally a healthy person.
4. My Family - people who love and support me no matter what the trials and tribulations.
5. My Puppies - they love me unconditionally no matter what
6. My Job - I may have days that stress me but overall I really do love what I do
7. My Friends - I have the best friends in the world - they listen and offer advice and are there like no one else I know. I swear there are days that they deserve medals.
8. My Father - I miss my dad every single day. Though we didn't always see eye to eye, I loved him tremendously and know he's watching over me now. He was truly an intelligent man who loved his family and I hope I always will make him proud - no matter what. I love you Dad.
10. My Mother - I hope that I can be half of the mom that mine is because my mom rocks. She did so much for me (and the rest of the family), that went unnoticed and she never complained about any of it,while I was growing up that I didn't even realize until I became an adult.
11. Having the ability to appreciate the silence as much as I appreciate the noise. I'm amazed at my ability to sit here, with only the sounds of the dogs snoring, and enjoy it just as much as if the tv were on and people were with me. Some people may thing that's simplistic but I think that it's a good trait to have.
11. Having a good work ethic instilled into me by my parents. They taught me that any job worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability. You don't do things half assed because that's how it makes you look.

Well that's a fairly good start. I just heard the buzzer for the washer so time to go do the switcheroo and head to bed!! :)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Better Today

Today was ok - a bit better, especially after talking to some friends. There is a glimmer of light throught the darkness that I feel. I can't say that my opinion has changed drastically but. . .

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. . .

With a broken heart that's still beating. . . .

Just when I think I have a grip on things someone speeds the ride up and all I want to do is get off. Why is the world so cruel?

Why am I forced to listen to a co-worker complain about her children doing trivial things when all I want to do is tell her to shut up. I want to tell her that I would give anything to have a child to complain about. She's so excited that she's "getting rid" of her 3 kids for the entire month of July. She's even gone as far as to tell me to be thankful that I don't have any kids. What I wouldn't give to have 1 healthy normal child, let alone 3.

My period is late. It was due around the 12th. I've tested twice, both time negative. I kept saying I wasn't getting my hopes up - and I tried. I tried really hard but I guess in the background they crept up anyway. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to curl into a ball and stay there forever. I want to be normal. There's nothing anyone can do; I guess it's just not meant to be for me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Busy Weekend

Hey -- it's been a busy weeekend here around the old homestead. Yesterday we got a lot of yardwork done. We trimmed a few trees and I have to say they look soo much better. The tree in the front yard looked a bit shaggy so we trimmed 6 - 8 limbs from it and the one in the back yard snapped a limb so we figured what the hey -- might as well take some of it's droopy limbs down too. We also mowed the lawn (exciting I know!).

We had a small enclosed campfire last night as well and made s'mores. It was really relaxing. I miss having campfires with my family. We used to have them all the time in the summer when my grandparents had their "summer" home. Look at me being all nostalgic.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. :)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm not a princess, this ain't no fairytale...

Sigh. There are just days. Some days that just make people want to scream.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hmmm....

Ok -- I have to share this because it upsets me. There is this person - she came to the pharmacy in late March/early April and asked the Pharmacist to read her at home preg test. The pharmacist said that it was positive. Her reaction was "Shit." and a couple weeks later she picked up a prescription and stated that she was experiencing a miscarriage. I felt her pain -- or atleast I thought I did.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Again, she asked the Pharmacist to read her pregnancy test and again it was positive. She asked the pharmacist if he was sure and he said yes, but she may want to try and take another one just to be sure.

Fast forward to today. She came in yesterday and bought Plan B (the morning after pill). Said that her MD told her that would cause her to miscarry but he wouldn't write her a script for it because he doesn't believe in abortion. She came in again today and wanted to buy another Plan B. The pharmacist asked why - and she stated that her boyfriend found the pack that she bought yesterday and destroyed it. She said that he's trying to trap her! WTF??? Hasn't she heard of BIRTH CONTROL?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! Get an IUD -- get NUVA RING -- get something or here's a wacky idea -- STOP HAVING SEX!!!!!! The pharmacist refused to sell her another pack. Stupid freaking people -- it really should be legal to smack stupid people or atleast make them wear a sign or something.... Hmmmm...

I was really upset and I guess in my mind it's understandable. This woman doesn't want a baby - doesn't appreciate the fact that she can apparently get pregnant by being sneezed on. But grrrrrrr how? Why? It isn't fair!!! Hmmm...I was wrong -- I thought I understood her pain - I thought I knew what she was going through...I was wrong. Very wrong.


Other than that - that weekend was great. I've been in a great mood lately and I've started working out again. I'm still working on what color to paint the stairwell after we pull down the horrible wallpaper.

Other than that -- nothing much going on.