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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me.

Happy Birthday to me. I just want to forget it's my birthday and pretend like it's just another day. Is it possible to skip this year? There's so much I want to say but then I think about writing it out and it just seems pathetic. I sit here staring at the empty space and wonder how I can have a blog with nothing to say. There's still no news. No one knows what's wrong with me. Everything looks good - normal. Bloodwork is fine. There are still no answers. My optimisim is fading and I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted this entire year. Yes it's been a year. It's been over a year since I found out I was pregnant and since I miscarried. A year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. All the books say that normal people concieve again within a year. Apparently on paper I'm normal but in the real world no one knows what's making me so defective.

I feel like I whine on this thing. Maybe that's why this is only the second post (maybe the third...can't remember right off hand) of this month. My friend L found out she's having another boy. She'll have 2 kids before she's 27. I know it's not a competition. Really I do and I really try harder than hell not to compare myself with other people - it's just so hard. So hard when everyone is talking about their kids and their pregnancies and you stand there like a schmuck with nothing to bring to the conversation but hopes and dreams that are fading faster than the daylight in winter. So hard when you're seeing these 16/17/18 year olds bringing in these tiny babies and scripts for prenatals...I try so hard to be happy for other people and share in their joy. It's not fair to ask them to hold it in.

I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm never going to know that joy. I'm so scared that if I do get pregnant again I'm going to lose it again that I won't be able to enjoy it. I want to be like all of those happy pregnant people stories.

I don't like being this pathetic. I feel like such a loser. I want to turn back the clock and go back to when it didn't matter; when getting pregnant was just a dream, a thought.

Random fact: Originally Candy Canes were straight sticks of candy. The Master of the Choir at Cologne Cathedral decided to bend the ends to look like a shepherds stick. He passed them out to the children to keep them quiet during a service. This also made them convenient for hanging on trees. They gained their red stripes sometime at the beginning of the 20th century.