Ughh.

Ya know -- I just -- grrrr.

I seriously want to disconnect my brain some days.

Warning -- TMI inside.

Ok you've all been warned.

Mother Nature made her stop today. I'm actually kinda happy about it - a little anyway. My cycle seems to be back closer to normal (31 days this cycle as opposed to 53 last time.) which is good I guess. I was kinda hoping to fall pregnant this time around but it wasn't meant to be. I'm trying really really hard not to concentrate or focus on it. I really am.

It's hard though. I mean we got pregnant so easily last time. Why shouldn't it be just as easy this time? But, again. I'm trying really hard not to make that the focus or stress. I really really am.

Guess we'll try again next month.

In other news, I'm ripping down the wallpaper (because it's purple, gold, green, and cream vertical stripes) in the stairway. Any color suggestions? :)

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all.

I didn't think that today would affect me in any way but it has. Not in a major way but it has emphasized the hole that I feel is in our lives. I think that makes sense. I hope that makes sense. I've had a couple of people wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I'm grateful. I mean I know I'm mom to our dogs, and I do alot of the "mom" things around the house...so I guess that makes me a mom? I don't know if being pregnant for such a short period of time and not having it go to term makes me a mom. I've always thought that a mom is having someone who calls you mom. Maybe I'm wrong...

Maybe I'm rambling....


It still hurts a bit -- to see people who are mean, ugly (both in appearance and manners) and downright evil to get everything they want. To see these people who don't appreciate their child(ren) (or at very least don't seem to) and to see people who treat their child(ren) as an accessory. It's gotten easier but there's still a pang of guilt/saddness every once in awhile.

There have been two people that I know that have given birth recently and I'm happy for them. I'm ecstatic for them but in the same breathe I wish it was me.

I hate feeling like something is missing from my life and I know how cliche that sounds. I just feel like there's an element missing.

Grrrr.

I don't get it....

New Post

Hey it's been awhile. I keep trying to update this but realize there isn't much to say. Things are back to normal - or whatever normal for us is. The vet just lowered Moose's medication and (knock on wood) things are going well.

The doctor said that it's ok to start trying again so that's good news. Trying not to stress about it - kinda hard but I am trying. It's amazing how much it dominates the conciousness. I mean before, when we first started trying, I didn't think anything of it. Nothing. I mean I only took the test initally to reassure myself that my system was just off due to coming off the pill. Now it feel like I'm monitoring my body under a microscope, as much as I'm trying not to.

Ok - I don't feel like being depressed, so I'm going to go play a game of Solitaire before heading off to bed. Goodnight.

Time to Update

Well, it's time to update the blog. Jim and I lost the baby back in Dec. December 19th to be exact. We went in for a follow up ultrasound for someting so mundane and the technician kept taking notes and was unusally quiet. She then brought the doctor in and he just stated "the fetus is dead." He was a complete jerk. There were tons, thousands of tears. No one exactly knows what went wrong and the overall thought is that there was something wrong with the baby - with the way the cells fused and divided. It was really hard not to blame myself (as much as everyone else told me that it wasn't) because bearing children is the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do without any issues, without any questions. It's so hard not to feel like a failure but it gets easier every day.

It took time to adjust and let things sink in. Things are better now and are back to normal. Jen, my NP, said that we can start trying mid-end March, which we plan on doing.

We're also planning another vacation for January 2010 which is definitely something positive to look forward to. I definitely can't wait to go back. I love it down there....

Until next time...