I hate feeling like something is missing from my life and I know how cliche that sounds. I just feel like there's an element missing.

Grrrr.

I don't get it....

New Post

Hey it's been awhile. I keep trying to update this but realize there isn't much to say. Things are back to normal - or whatever normal for us is. The vet just lowered Moose's medication and (knock on wood) things are going well.

The doctor said that it's ok to start trying again so that's good news. Trying not to stress about it - kinda hard but I am trying. It's amazing how much it dominates the conciousness. I mean before, when we first started trying, I didn't think anything of it. Nothing. I mean I only took the test initally to reassure myself that my system was just off due to coming off the pill. Now it feel like I'm monitoring my body under a microscope, as much as I'm trying not to.

Ok - I don't feel like being depressed, so I'm going to go play a game of Solitaire before heading off to bed. Goodnight.

Time to Update

Well, it's time to update the blog. Jim and I lost the baby back in Dec. December 19th to be exact. We went in for a follow up ultrasound for someting so mundane and the technician kept taking notes and was unusally quiet. She then brought the doctor in and he just stated "the fetus is dead." He was a complete jerk. There were tons, thousands of tears. No one exactly knows what went wrong and the overall thought is that there was something wrong with the baby - with the way the cells fused and divided. It was really hard not to blame myself (as much as everyone else told me that it wasn't) because bearing children is the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do without any issues, without any questions. It's so hard not to feel like a failure but it gets easier every day.

It took time to adjust and let things sink in. Things are better now and are back to normal. Jen, my NP, said that we can start trying mid-end March, which we plan on doing.

We're also planning another vacation for January 2010 which is definitely something positive to look forward to. I definitely can't wait to go back. I love it down there....

Until next time...

1st Post

Ok - well it's official. I'm pregnant. It's a bit unsettling but it's a happy occasion. I don't even know what caused me to test - but I did, on the 8th and then again on the 9th. All in all, I've taken a total of 3 tests. I was certainly shaking - I ended up basically pulling Jim out of bed to make sure that I read the test right (it was a digital one - now that I think about it I'm not sure that there was a wrong way to read it but I digress). So Monday the 10th while on my way to work, I called my doctor's office and tried to schedule an appointment but they told me that it wasn't something that they handled and referred me to an OBGYN.

I took a break mid-way through the morning once we'd caught up and called the office. They were so sweet. They told me that the first thing they needed to do was a bloodtest to confirm it and that I didn't need to make an appointment. All I had to do was pick up the lab paperwork and go to the lab. I was shaking pretty much all day. I was going to wait until Wednesday morning to go and do it all but I couldn't wait. I got out of work early and went and did it. They told me that my results would be available after 1 on Tues, the next day.

It was the longest 24 hours in my life. I went to lunch at 1 and was going to wait to call until after I'd eaten. So I got my food and sat down. I couldn't wait any longer - I called. They put me on hold for a few minutes (it felt like forever!) and then they came back on the phone. They said those words. You're Pregnant. It was wonderful. I have my first appointment on Dec 5th at 9am. It feels like a lifetime away.

I don't feel bad - had a few bouts of nausea but no puking (thank goodness!), my appetite seems to have decreased at times but at other times it seems normal. Other than that I'm just sore and I get really tired fairly easily. Other than that I feel good.

So that brings us to the present. Jim and I have decided that we're not telling anyone until Christmas. It just makes sense to me anyway - I'll be 11 weeks by then - almost into the 2nd trimester. Plus it'll be nice to see the look on everyone's face. It feels like time has just slowed down...