Count to 10

I'm better today - still frustrated - but dealing with it better. I know I need to heal - despite feeling fine (other than my hand where the iv was - that still! hurts) and that I'd rather take the time to heal than have something happen that causes more waiting or worse. Wait should still be a four letter word - but I'm making due.

My friend L said "just think of the patience you'll have when you do have children". I understand her point because it's valid but it wasn't really all that comforting. But her brain is also somewhere else too - she's getting ready to deliver her 2nd child in May. 2 under 2 before she's 27.

I want to force myself to be happy but there's always something that reminds me of the giant hole in my chest and just when I think I've shoved it to the back of my mind - it makes itself known again with a vengence. I'm thinking of naming it, I mean it's been there long enough it should have a name right? LOL

Ok...I think I'll go see how the bathroom is coming...

Random Fact: BONES producers knew they had a hit show on their hand when they had to change the "Bones" name on our directional signs for our crew because they started to disappear.

I have to go back to work tomorrow; today is my last day of vacation. It's Sunday so it's a nice ease back into the work week but truth be told I wish I didn't have to go back - atleast not full time. Don't get me wrong, I love my job - I truly do however... I just wish - I wish I had a reason to go part time or to stay home full time. I know the surgery is a step closer to that dream and I know that there will be a time when that decision needs to be made but that it's not right now. I just feel like we've been waiting for so long and now we just have to wait more. I feel like all we're ever going to do is wait. We can't even start trying again for 3 weeks (was 4 - got through this week ok) and that's only if the doctor approves it.

I'm feeling better - surgery wise - obvious the emotions are a different area... Much better than a week ago. Heck I don't even remember a week ago - last Saturday passed in blur. LOL. I guess that's what happens when you sleep for most of a day...I still get twinges of discomfort but nothing major.

I feel like I got nothing done around the house this week and in all actuality I don't think I did get much done. J tells me that it's ok, that this week off wasn't meant for me to have cleaned the house from top to bottom; that it's ok that I didn't get much done. I still feel lazy and like I should have been able to do more.

What's worse is that the hole in my chest has reopened - if it ever even closed - maybe it's just opened wider. We're one step closer and still yet so far away, possibly even farther because we are at a standstill yet again. It feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back; is the waiting ever going to end? Are we ever going to have the happy ending? I wish I knew that everything that's happening right now, all the pain, struggles, silent suffering - everything was going to be worth it in the end. That there's going to be some sort of resolution that's going to make it all worth it. Worth it doesn't even seem like the right term to use...I thought that the surgery would make everything better, that it would make things easier and right now it just seems like it's made things worse and more difficult.

I think I'm going to go write or watch tv or something...

Random Fact: On BONES, the reconstruction tool The Angelator was 100% VFX. The new Angelatron is 100% real time graphics

Best Day Yet

Today was good. Got out of the house for a bit today...it felt really good. I put on jeans and it was ok. It's amazing how something little, like putting on jeans, can make you feel almost normal.
Not too much to say...back to the waiting game for J and I. All this hurry up and wait is getting a little frustrating.

Random Fact: On the television show BONES, they have the most fertile writers' room in television. Every season but one has produced a baby for a writer on staff.

Post-Op Day 3

Well today is going much better. I've been up and moving around, which is much easier today, and I am attempting to do some things around the house. We'll see how this goes. The sheets are in the washer and the towels (which were carried upstairs by my loving hubby) are waiting paitently to be folded and put away while I write this because I am waiting for the washer to tell me it's done so I'm not going up and down stairs more than I absolutely have to.

The stiffness is slowly fading and the soreness comes and goes - and I can definitely tell if I've overdone it. I've only had to take pain meds once today and that was at 4:30 this morrning - which is good - and right now I'm feeling ok.

Well the washer just dinged so I'm going to go switch that over, start another load and then go fold towels...then we'll see how I feel after that...LOL....

Random Fact: An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.

Post Op

I'm home. I'm sore and tired but everything is good. The doc said everything went perfectly. :) Now to get up and moving around more. I'm more awake (for now) today...lol...

Time fore more meds and probably a nap.

Random Fact: The lense of the eye continues to grow throughout a person's life.

They say bad things happen for a reason

But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding. A line from the song Breakeven by The Script. A song that makes you thing.

Then I was sent this song and it made me cry. Really listen to the lyrics - it encompasses the last 18 months.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAhpdXMh7NY

Random Fact: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a 'Friday the 13th'.

Blogging On and On

I think I've done pretty well for the last month or so trying to blog atleast a couple of times per week. I'm going to pat myself on the back.

The surgery is only a few days away and I'm really starting to get nervous. I know that it's nothing to be nervous over; that it's a simple outpatient procedure but other than when I was born - I've never been admitted to the hospital and I've only been to the Emergency Room twice - once when I unintentionally kissed a line drive and the other was when I had pneumonia. I don't like hospitals - I never have. They smell funny and they have this air about them. It's weird I know - I just don't like them. Probably has alot to do with how much time my dad spent in them but...anywho.

I've already told J that for my meal on Thursday we are having something extra yummy seeing as how after midnight I won't be able to have anything and I am not sure when I'm going to be able to eat anything. He laughed and asked what I wanted; I have no idea. I'm sure I'll think of something.

It's been a pretty quiet weekend here so far. We did some running around yesterday; went to the bookstore, Target (I love Target!!) but stayed pretty close to home today. Nothing too exciting but that's probably a good thing with the week we have coming up. ;)

Random Fact: Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.