Happy New Year!

Happy New Year. Hope everyone made it to 2010 safe and happy. :)

Happy Birthday to Me.

Happy Birthday to me. I just want to forget it's my birthday and pretend like it's just another day. Is it possible to skip this year? There's so much I want to say but then I think about writing it out and it just seems pathetic. I sit here staring at the empty space and wonder how I can have a blog with nothing to say. There's still no news. No one knows what's wrong with me. Everything looks good - normal. Bloodwork is fine. There are still no answers. My optimisim is fading and I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted this entire year. Yes it's been a year. It's been over a year since I found out I was pregnant and since I miscarried. A year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. All the books say that normal people concieve again within a year. Apparently on paper I'm normal but in the real world no one knows what's making me so defective.

I feel like I whine on this thing. Maybe that's why this is only the second post (maybe the third...can't remember right off hand) of this month. My friend L found out she's having another boy. She'll have 2 kids before she's 27. I know it's not a competition. Really I do and I really try harder than hell not to compare myself with other people - it's just so hard. So hard when everyone is talking about their kids and their pregnancies and you stand there like a schmuck with nothing to bring to the conversation but hopes and dreams that are fading faster than the daylight in winter. So hard when you're seeing these 16/17/18 year olds bringing in these tiny babies and scripts for prenatals...I try so hard to be happy for other people and share in their joy. It's not fair to ask them to hold it in.

I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm never going to know that joy. I'm so scared that if I do get pregnant again I'm going to lose it again that I won't be able to enjoy it. I want to be like all of those happy pregnant people stories.

I don't like being this pathetic. I feel like such a loser. I want to turn back the clock and go back to when it didn't matter; when getting pregnant was just a dream, a thought.

Random fact: Originally Candy Canes were straight sticks of candy. The Master of the Choir at Cologne Cathedral decided to bend the ends to look like a shepherds stick. He passed them out to the children to keep them quiet during a service. This also made them convenient for hanging on trees. They gained their red stripes sometime at the beginning of the 20th century.

Almost December Already....

Wow. I can't believe that it's almost December already. Where has this month gone? This year?? I feel like it's just flown by. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad.

On one hand I want to be excited about Christmas. On the other, I keep thinking I should be buying for a 5 month old. I know it's stupid and pointless but it's still in the back of my mind.

Someone said to me the other day that she didn't understand why pregnant people bother me so much. It wasn't like I was pregnant long enough to feel pregnant. It wasn't like I held my child and then they died. I knew what she meant but it still knocked the wind out of me. It still made me feel like - is she right? Do I have the right to be thinking this way? I mean I wasn't pregnant for a very long time but it still felt real to me and I don't bash the pregnant people I see. I don't say anything bad about them or wish them ill will. I don't even understand how she could say something like that... It upset me but then me being upset about it upset me and it was just a bad cycle.

I know my friends understand how I feel and I thank them everyday for listening to me because I'm sure to a point I feel like a broken record.

Ok - well I think I'm going to sign off for now and go to a little "Cyber Monday" Christmas shopping. :)

Random Fact: The movie New Moon's American premiere was held on 16 November 2009, which, in the lunar cycle, is a new moon

Frustrated Today...

I'm frustrated and I don't even know how to word it. I almost want to go back to a time when being pregnant didn't matter so much.

Random Fact: The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com

What

What's wrong with me?

Pretty Lax...

So I've been pretty lax with the blogging...did you miss me? LOL...There's been alot of things flying through my head; alot of things I'm not sure I even know how to write down.

My appointment two weeks ago didn't go as well as we wanted it to. There's still promise, but it's not as high of a percentage as we would have liked. It's a wait and see game right now which sucks. There's not another word for it. It's annoying...I'm hoping but trying not to get my hopes up; it's an odd feeling and very hard.

Work is insance. We have a tech out sick which unfortunately stresses all of us and when stress increase tolerance lowers and it's just not fun. The tech was supposed to be back on Monday but we got word today she's probably gonna be out for atleast the rest of the week. Mind you I want her to get better and be healthy before she comes back, I hold no ill will against her; I just wish Walmart was more fluid in allowing us to shift schedules and change hours because we need to. *Sigh*

I want to write today but I feel like my brain has shut off. Maybe I'll go try again for a bit...I have a couple of stories started but it's like -- when I get the inspiration I usually can't write because I'm at work or because I have to go to bed or something like that...it's so frustrating...but such is life I guess...

47 Days until Christmas!! :) Which means my vacation is that much closer!! I can't wait...I need this vacation...

Ok..Here I go...Inspiration strike now!

Random Fact: The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".

Hope

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”