Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Count to 10

I'm better today - still frustrated - but dealing with it better. I know I need to heal - despite feeling fine (other than my hand where the iv was - that still! hurts) and that I'd rather take the time to heal than have something happen that causes more waiting or worse. Wait should still be a four letter word - but I'm making due.

My friend L said "just think of the patience you'll have when you do have children". I understand her point because it's valid but it wasn't really all that comforting. But her brain is also somewhere else too - she's getting ready to deliver her 2nd child in May. 2 under 2 before she's 27.

I want to force myself to be happy but there's always something that reminds me of the giant hole in my chest and just when I think I've shoved it to the back of my mind - it makes itself known again with a vengence. I'm thinking of naming it, I mean it's been there long enough it should have a name right? LOL

Ok...I think I'll go see how the bathroom is coming...

Random Fact: BONES producers knew they had a hit show on their hand when they had to change the "Bones" name on our directional signs for our crew because they started to disappear.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I have to go back to work tomorrow; today is my last day of vacation. It's Sunday so it's a nice ease back into the work week but truth be told I wish I didn't have to go back - atleast not full time. Don't get me wrong, I love my job - I truly do however... I just wish - I wish I had a reason to go part time or to stay home full time. I know the surgery is a step closer to that dream and I know that there will be a time when that decision needs to be made but that it's not right now. I just feel like we've been waiting for so long and now we just have to wait more. I feel like all we're ever going to do is wait. We can't even start trying again for 3 weeks (was 4 - got through this week ok) and that's only if the doctor approves it.

I'm feeling better - surgery wise - obvious the emotions are a different area... Much better than a week ago. Heck I don't even remember a week ago - last Saturday passed in blur. LOL. I guess that's what happens when you sleep for most of a day...I still get twinges of discomfort but nothing major.

I feel like I got nothing done around the house this week and in all actuality I don't think I did get much done. J tells me that it's ok, that this week off wasn't meant for me to have cleaned the house from top to bottom; that it's ok that I didn't get much done. I still feel lazy and like I should have been able to do more.

What's worse is that the hole in my chest has reopened - if it ever even closed - maybe it's just opened wider. We're one step closer and still yet so far away, possibly even farther because we are at a standstill yet again. It feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back; is the waiting ever going to end? Are we ever going to have the happy ending? I wish I knew that everything that's happening right now, all the pain, struggles, silent suffering - everything was going to be worth it in the end. That there's going to be some sort of resolution that's going to make it all worth it. Worth it doesn't even seem like the right term to use...I thought that the surgery would make everything better, that it would make things easier and right now it just seems like it's made things worse and more difficult.

I think I'm going to go write or watch tv or something...

Random Fact: On BONES, the reconstruction tool The Angelator was 100% VFX. The new Angelatron is 100% real time graphics

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Best Day Yet

Today was good. Got out of the house for a bit felt really good. I put on jeans and it was ok. It's amazing how something little, like putting on jeans, can make you feel almost normal.
Not too much to say...back to the waiting game for J and I. All this hurry up and wait is getting a little frustrating.

Random Fact: On the television show BONES, they have the most fertile writers' room in television. Every season but one has produced a baby for a writer on staff.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Post-Op Day 3

Well today is going much better. I've been up and moving around, which is much easier today, and I am attempting to do some things around the house. We'll see how this goes. The sheets are in the washer and the towels (which were carried upstairs by my loving hubby) are waiting paitently to be folded and put away while I write this because I am waiting for the washer to tell me it's done so I'm not going up and down stairs more than I absolutely have to.

The stiffness is slowly fading and the soreness comes and goes - and I can definitely tell if I've overdone it. I've only had to take pain meds once today and that was at 4:30 this morrning - which is good - and right now I'm feeling ok.

Well the washer just dinged so I'm going to go switch that over, start another load and then go fold towels...then we'll see how I feel after that...LOL....

Random Fact: An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Post Op

I'm home. I'm sore and tired but everything is good. The doc said everything went perfectly. :) Now to get up and moving around more. I'm more awake (for now)

Time fore more meds and probably a nap.

Random Fact: The lense of the eye continues to grow throughout a person's life.

Monday, April 12, 2010

They say bad things happen for a reason

But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding. A line from the song Breakeven by The Script. A song that makes you thing.

Then I was sent this song and it made me cry. Really listen to the lyrics - it encompasses the last 18 months.

Random Fact: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a 'Friday the 13th'.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Blogging On and On

I think I've done pretty well for the last month or so trying to blog atleast a couple of times per week. I'm going to pat myself on the back.

The surgery is only a few days away and I'm really starting to get nervous. I know that it's nothing to be nervous over; that it's a simple outpatient procedure but other than when I was born - I've never been admitted to the hospital and I've only been to the Emergency Room twice - once when I unintentionally kissed a line drive and the other was when I had pneumonia. I don't like hospitals - I never have. They smell funny and they have this air about them. It's weird I know - I just don't like them. Probably has alot to do with how much time my dad spent in them but...anywho.

I've already told J that for my meal on Thursday we are having something extra yummy seeing as how after midnight I won't be able to have anything and I am not sure when I'm going to be able to eat anything. He laughed and asked what I wanted; I have no idea. I'm sure I'll think of something.

It's been a pretty quiet weekend here so far. We did some running around yesterday; went to the bookstore, Target (I love Target!!) but stayed pretty close to home today. Nothing too exciting but that's probably a good thing with the week we have coming up. ;)

Random Fact: Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Όνειρα, Ελπίδα, Πίστη & Αγάπη

I'm feeling a little international tonight. Wonder if anyone will translate the title. ;-)

I love my husband. J is quite possibly the world's greatest husband. I'm am beyond lucky to have him. Even through everything that's happening, everything we've been through he's still making the effort (and succeeding) to surprise me with things or by doing things that he knows will make me happy. So many times he goes out of his way... I love him more and more each day just for being him. I hope that I make him just as happy as he does me. I know we're going to get through this - I know that we're going to come out of all of this stronger and more in love than ever.

Work was pretty good today; the day flew by pretty quickly. My mood is getting better. I think the funk has passed which I am thankful for. Believe it or not it was very tiring being frustrated all the time. It was like I was looking at myself in the third person, telling myself to knock it off but I just couldn't stop.

Not too much to say today. I think I'm going to be off to bed - maybe read for awhile. :-) Hopefully I'll have more to blog about soon.

Random Fact: Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Can't Think...

I really can't think of a good blog post tonight. My brain is refusing to form coherent and understandable thoughts right now. LOL.

Work was fine - typical day after a holiday why didn't you tell us you were going to be closed I needed my prescription I want it now stuff. We probably ended up over 500 today; we were at 425 or something when I left at 6. I offered to stay for a bit longer and I would - with no complaints - but I'm grateful the pharmacist said no, go home.

Really isn't that much else to say - or much else that I can think of at this moment. Of course the moment I lay down and try to sleep I'll probably think of a dozen more things that I wanted to blog about tonight...Isn't that the way it goes?

I guess for tonight I'll say goodbye - and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. :-)

Random fact: A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill

I want children. I know that's pretty much a given seeing as that's why this blog was originally started. I'm in a really good mood today; it's really hard to be in a bad mood. Afterall the weather is gorgeous (so this may be short because I think I'm going to out and try to soak up some vitamin D....) and I had a really good weekend.

J and I went out to Red Lobster on Friday night. Major thanks to Dave who inspired us to go ;-)   It was fantastic; we didn't have to wait very long and they were doing their Lobsterfest promotion so it was a win win. We're convinced now people either give us the new waiters/waitresses or they give us the insane ones...The waitress we had on Friday nice was super nice but out there...very out there. Then we went and did a bit of shopping.

Then last night we had Easter dinner with my family. I love my family. They just bring out the best in everything. :) My sister in law asked how things were going and I explained everything to her. She was happy we've gotten some answers and hopes things progress faster once the surgery is over. I do too. I hope that we're pregnant by the end of the year...I don't think that's too lofty of a goal or at least I hope it's not.

I had the twin dream again; it was the same but different at the same time. Still the same two little boys that look exactly like J only with the bright green eyes. This time they were running around in the backyard with J and I. I remember thinking that these little boys, these beautiful little boys were worth waiting for. That the anguish and pain was worth it because we have these two perfect gorgeous little boys. I think my brain is just working overtime now because I'm refusing to focus on it. If it creeps into my head I try to distract myself with something different such as reading, writing, remodeling, cleaning up from the remodeling....occasionally work too...LOL...

I will continue to be strong; I will continue to move forward; I will continue to fight for that dream. 12 days.

Random Fact: The Platypus has no umbilicus scar (belly button). Even though it is a mammal it is still hatched from an egg.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy Easter to All

What a nice weekend for Easter! The thermometer says it's 84* outside and it's just a lovely lovely day. I just wanted to pass along holiday wishes to all...

I think I'm going to repot some plants before heading to Mom's for dinner. :)

Random Fact: Dirty snow melts faster than clean