Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sunny Days Rock

So this weekend has been great. :) Both in getting things done and the weather.

Thursday night I worked out in the yard and managed to get almost all of my yard plants re-circled so that I could add some fresh dirt and some mulch to them. I worked outside for about 3 was wonderful.

Then on Friday we went and had passport photos taken. I photograph so badly but the photographer (Photos by Bruce - if anyone is curious) did great. Now to just fill out the form and submit it; passports should be here by fall. I then worked in the yard a bit more and then layed out in the sun. It was gorgeous here.

And then today - I got all the mulching done that I could, replanted 2 fuschia plants into my hanging baskets for the back yard and then Jim and I started weeding one of the two front flower beds. I love the sun!!!

Random Fact: Phobatrivaphobia is fear of trivia about phobias.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything." Katharine Hepburn

So it's Wednesday. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday which isn't a horrible thing just too far away. New music, same steps. Hopefully we can add some more soon - I think 9 months worth of steps is appropriate. LOL...I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I'm feeling more positive again.

Had an eye appointment today - I'm getting new glasses and contacts! Yay!! I love my new glasses despite the fact that I usually wear my contacts 98% of the time. I thought it was time to get new ones though - I haven't had new glasses (new contacts yes) in about 5 years or so and my right lens is so scratched I can barely see out of it...ha ha ha ha...

Not too much to post on today; I think I'm just gonna head to bed.

Random Fact: In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die! (How morbid!!!)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

“When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race.” Margaret Sanger

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers that are out there. I know I can say that I know several fantastic mommas! I've also had a couple of people wish me happiness on this day and the first time I wanted to cry and scream that it was a hurtful thing to say. Like I needed to be reminded that this should have been my first Mother's Day. Like I needed to be reminded of the fact that J and I should have a 10 month old because ya know that thought hasn't been running through my head all week. And while I know our dads are taking care of our child in the great beyond - I still selfishly want him or her here with me.

But then I had two other people acknowledge that, while this is a very bittersweet day, that my child was very real to atleast me and that it's ok for me to be a little sad but that it's ok for me to also accept wishes of Happy Mother's Day because I was a mom, if only for a few weeks. I've always felt guilty for accepting those kinds of wishes; like I didn't deserve them because I was pregnant for just a few weeks, I've never given birth. I thought they they were reserved for people who had children who called them mom, for those people who by birth or adoption had children, or people who lost their children late in pregnancy. I'm not sure that I agree with I deserve it but I am going to be far more gracious (especially in thought because well that's where I yell at most people) at accepting them because apparently in the well wishers eyes' I deserve them.

I'm forcing myself to be more positive because I'm sick of being negative. I'm sick of feeling like a loser because we're having a hard time getting pregnant. We are going to get beyond this.

Random Fact: The Muppet Show was banned from Saudi Arabian TV becuase one if its stars was a pig. (I loved that show!)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

It's just us against the world.

I don't have much to say today.  There really hasn't been any change. I think it'd be easier to quit to just give up hope because this hurts. It's painful and uncomfortable and well damn it - it's just not fair!!! Saying this makes me feel that much worse because I know other people have it much worse than J and I. We have a house, decent jobs, loving family (despite not always agreeing with them), our health...It's just a vicious cycle. I already feel bad, which leads to thoughts of jealousy and angry which just make me feel worse because the direction in which they are aimed is wrong but is it so wrong to have a little bit compassion? Is it wrong to think that someone would consider my feelings instead of discussing children, being/getting pregnant? And now the guilt washes over me again because I don't want people to edit themselves around me.

 It's no one's fault that this is happening and I HATE being bitter. I WANT to be happy again. Part of me wants to go back to Sept 2008 before any of this mattered. I wish I'd been more proactive and made them do a thorough check; part of me wonders if that would have avoided all of this pain. I feel like a broken record. Somedays I think it would just be easier to quit and give up.

Random Fact: On BONES, while meant to be disposed of after one use, they try to use the same latex gloves several times so as to minimize the impact to the environment. (They are not as concerned with the "contamination" aspects as some other professions)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Change Change Change

Well the remodel of the bathroom is almost done! All that's left is minor detail work like painting and putting up the molding. Very excited. I plan on spending the better part of my day painting today. Hopefully I'll be able to post some before and after pictures soon. :)

Random Facts: In the writer's room on BONES, upon hearing stories of friends' personal injuries, the writers will often think of ways to turn said injury into a bone clue for a future episode