Sunday, May 2, 2010

It's just us against the world.

I don't have much to say today.  There really hasn't been any change. I think it'd be easier to quit to just give up hope because this hurts. It's painful and uncomfortable and well damn it - it's just not fair!!! Saying this makes me feel that much worse because I know other people have it much worse than J and I. We have a house, decent jobs, loving family (despite not always agreeing with them), our health...It's just a vicious cycle. I already feel bad, which leads to thoughts of jealousy and angry which just make me feel worse because the direction in which they are aimed is wrong but is it so wrong to have a little bit compassion? Is it wrong to think that someone would consider my feelings instead of discussing children, being/getting pregnant? And now the guilt washes over me again because I don't want people to edit themselves around me.

 It's no one's fault that this is happening and I HATE being bitter. I WANT to be happy again. Part of me wants to go back to Sept 2008 before any of this mattered. I wish I'd been more proactive and made them do a thorough check; part of me wonders if that would have avoided all of this pain. I feel like a broken record. Somedays I think it would just be easier to quit and give up.

Random Fact: On BONES, while meant to be disposed of after one use, they try to use the same latex gloves several times so as to minimize the impact to the environment. (They are not as concerned with the "contamination" aspects as some other professions)