Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day 16 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Another easy one...I'm starting to get a little bit scared. LOL. Infertility. The trouble that J and I are having to have a family - I could definitely live without that. I could live without the stress and the fear that goes along with it. I could live without all the blood draws, all the pokes, prods...all the setback. The pain, the hurt -- that can go away anytime. I just want a family with J.

I could definitely live without it being a taboo topic. I could live without feeling like my friends don't care (and I know that they do - please don't get me wrong - they just are like the rest of the world and don't know what to say). I could live without seeing my friends get pregnant and watch them move on to a new chapter of their lives while I get left behind (or atleast that's how I'm feeling). I could live without feeling like I'm helpless and a loser.

Well isn't this a cheery little post. Bite me.

Random Fact: Athazagoraphobia: Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 15 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Without even thinking this question is the easiest that I've had to answer in 15 days. J. I couldn't live without J. We've been together for 14 years. I don't know how to live without him - I don't know how to be "me" without him. And I know that this is probably the standard "proper" answer but it's the truth - he truly is the other half of me. We were apart for 5 months at one point, and went on a sporadic living situation a little while after that and it was hard. Indescribably hard. It was hard only having a relationship by letter and by phone. I would have to say that by letter is harder because it's hard to tell inflection, tone and full meaning behind a letter (and I have to add that the only way to write a really meaningful letter is by hand - I'm sorry.) atleast by phone when you can talk, you can hear the other person's voice and things can be a little better interpreted.

Now, if I had to pick something other than J, I would have to say probably - the internet because of how well connected it keeps the world nowadays. I mean if you need to look something up, more than likely it's online or you can find enough information to contact whoever or whatever you're looking for. It's made the world a much more diverse place. You could never leave your home and be ok for the most part as long as you have an internet connection. Clothes, food, movies...everything is pretty much available at the touch of a button...

What do you think?

Random Fact: Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day 14 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Hmm...A hero? Aren't heroes supposed to not let you down? Oh -- wait -- I got it!

Dear Every Cliche Romantic Movie Male Lead:

First off I want to thank you for allowing me to believe in romance! From Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You, A Knight's Tale, Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions, Freddie Prinze Jr in She's All That, Summer Catch, I Know What You Did Last Summer...etc, to Paul Rudd in Clueless, Chris Pine in The Princess Diaries: A Royal Engagement, Marc Blucas in First Daughter, and Johnny Whitworth in Empire Records, Peter Dobson in Sing, Shane West in A Walk to Remember.

These movies taught us that romance always wins in the end. No matter what happens the guy and the girl always end up together, someway-somehow in the end. That the guy will start to listen to his heart (and brain) in the end instead of his friends and the couple always makes each other a better person. No matter what you do, make a stupid bet to make fun of a classmate, get paid to take one sister out so the other can date, lie about who you really are, be sneaky and conniving to try and get what you think you want...etc...and in ever circumstance it doesn't matter because love conquers all.
However, real life doesn't always work the way it does in the movies. Sorry to burst that bubble. The guy doesn't always do the right thing and there isn't always someone there to catch you when you fall. More often than not peer pressure wins and people feel pressured to think en-mass with their friends rather than do what they know is the right thing. The silver knight doesn't always swoop in at the right second to rescue the damsel, who may or may not be in distress.

In the real world, people lie, people do hurtful things with and without thinking, people go out of their way to conceal their deceit. People willingly do hurtful things to people without a second thought and it doesn't always work out in the end. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and realize that some people won't ever grow up or won't ever realize the error of their ways. Some people thrive in drama and tension filled situations and won't ever learn. Some people just simply can not care about anyone other than themselves under any circumstances. Sometimes things happen that people have no control over, such as families moving across the country before people have the opportunity to see where things may go or just going in different directions because their interests differ.

So thank you movies, thank you for giving girls around the world fodder for their dreams and hopes. I wish somedays I could live my life in the movies because everything is perfect there. If it wasn't who'd go to see a movie like that?

Ok I've had a bit of fun now really...People who are put on pedestals, especially really high ones, tend to fall (and depending on how high those pedestals are those who have fallen have a tendency to get hurt through no fault of their own). "Heroes" are no different than anyone else in this universe. Despite how ethereal they may seem, they are only human and are therefore fallible.  Personally, and for mainly this reason (yes there are others), I don't consider anyone I look up to as a "hero" - I consider them a mentor, or possibly an inspiration because I know they're human. Everyone makes mistakes whether they want to or not. It's how we respond to the mistakes we make that make us who we are.
Anyone agree? Disagree? Have a different POV?
Random Fact: A man is 4 times more likely to get struck by lightning than a woman.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Cool video

I really wish I could make videos like this. Here's my newest Youtube Fav...TheLovelyBones1

What do you think?

Day 13 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Wow...If I had to pick one band/artist that has gotten me through some tough days my initial gut thought is Lifehouse. They have so many songs that just plain fit to the world going on around me. So...

Dear Lifehouse,

Thank you for producing and putting out music that speaks to the current state of my soul. It Is What It is is a song that just calms me and allows my brain to process what I'm feeling/thinking. The lyrics are just common sense and it's simply putting what's going on can't necessarily be changed - it is what it is. I've included three of my favorite songs, via video, and why they are important to me.

The song All In just rocks because it's the truth. If you're going to decide to do something you have to be all in. Just reaffirms my decision to continue to do what J and I have been doing and going through.

Whatever It Takes just rocks and again, just reaffirms that I'm - we're - willing to do whatever it takes to reach our goal.

I guess all in all my point in this letter is that you make music with lyrics that are just as moving as the music. I'm also in love with Storm because to me it basically means that it's ok to be mad even if there isn't anyone to blame - that sometimes things just happen.

So finally, in conclusion - thank you Lifehouse. I don't know how you keep doing it or if the songs are as meaningful to you as they are to me but thank you and definitely keep it up.

PS. If you could also release your music to (or show interest to seeing your songs on) Glee...'cause well that would just rock. :)

Random Fact: During the day, if someone sings a song around you, 90% chance you will find yourself singing it sometime during the day!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Have you heard this?

You have to watch this video! Listen to the lyrics...Awesome!!!!!!

Day 12 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

Something I never get complimented on is probably my sense of style because I really don't have one. LOL. I wear what's comfortable, not what's necessarily in style. I'm very much a jeans and tee shirt kind of girl. I'm happiest when I'm relaxed and having fun. I don't feel the need to be all dressed up all the time.

Not much else to say - maybe tomorrow I'll have more to share or thoughts to expend upon but for right now...I'm going to enjoy the rest the day spending time with my family. :)

Random Fact: 2,500 lefthanders die each year trying to operate a right handed device.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Day 11 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Lately? Probably my perseverance. My seemingly unwaivering ability to keep trying despite being kicked in the teeth repeatedly.

Today has been an incredibly rough day. Don't have much to say. Don't feel like elaborating on it either. Maybe tomorrow.

Random Fact: Hummingbirds can't walk because their legs and feet are not designed for it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Day 10 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

Given the mood that I'm in today this could turn out to be a very bad post. I'll try to refrain from making it a bitch session.

I honestly can't think of someone that I need to let go but someone I wish I didn't know (I'm going to add someone I didn't know of to this topic), well, isn't that a whole other issue. I wish I didn't know all of the people who get everything they want easily, without trying, every single time they want something. I wish I didn't know of people who are so twofaced, underhanded and low they they stoop to any level to get what they want, despite the harm and pain that it may (and often does) cause others. I don't understand how people can live like that. :(

Random Fact: The New York Stock Exchange started as a coffee shop.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 9 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

There are a couple of people I think about when I read this topic. The first is S. E. We were gradeschool friends, lived down the road from each other and for a few years, well, we were best friends - despite not going to the same school. It was during that awkward time of growing up when boys and girls were starting to notice each other noticing each other and you couldn't be just friends without rumors starting. It wasn't like that with us, we were just friends and it was simple.

However because life is a constant change, we drifted simply because we were growing up. High school causes so much change within a person it's amazing that we are able to stay friends with anyone during that time. I hated it. It hurt so much because we were so close but I understand now that it had to happen because if it didn't or hadn't we wouldn't have been able to grow as individuals. There will always be a special spot in my heart for S.E. I will always wish the best for him but what happened happened and you can't change the past.

With the other two people, B.G and S.F., family moves caused the drifting and it sucked. These were the people I sat with at lunch, and complained about teachers with. They were half of the group that I had memories from Darien Lake with (B.G was the first person to get me to go on the Viper with) and S.F was my sounding board for the anxiety-ridden thoughts that ran through my head. There are days, when things are horribly bad, that I wonder what would have happened if they had been able to stay, but then I think of all the wonderful things in my life and realize it's not so bad.

The good news is that through the lovely power of the internet (and facebook - thankyouverymuch) I have been able to reconnect with both S.F. and B.G. which is very nice. With regards to S.E., I think it's better to leave somethings in the past and remember the good times when needed.

I guess the bottom line is that things do happen for a reason (yes I just used that line and yes, I still really do dislike that line) but it's true. There is a plan for all of us in the universe and whether we like it or not (or get really frustrated because we have no flippin' clue as to what it is) it's going to happen. Sometimes you just have to have faith and hope that you're making the right choices and if you make a wrong one, learn how to make it right. (Wow...I'm waxing philosophical today.....)

Random Fact: The color of the Sun is actually white.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 8 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Oh wow...isn't this a loaded topic today. I'm sure that there are alot of things that I could put to answer this topic but really? What good does it do to dwell in the past? I'm sure I could name names of people from high school who acted like your typical cliche highschooler but what good would it do? Would it
erase the hurt? Would it change the past? The answer is plain and simply no. Most people have grown beyond that kind of attitude and moved on. They probably look back at that period of time and are embarrassed about some of the things they did but can you honestly tell me that there aren't things in your past that you aren't so proud of? The type of things that you wouldn't necessarily want your sons/daughters/husbands/wives to find out about because you're not proud of them? And for the record, I'm talking about things that happened before you knew your spouse, things that wouldn't effect your relationship now - like for example the frat boy you dated in college who's best friend you fooled around with or the time you acted like a real snob to someone to try and fit in with the cool crowd. Everyone has something in their past that they'd prefer remain in the past. I guess my point of this whole thing is yes, everyone has had someone that has pissed them off, made their life hell, and/or treated them like shit but unless it's currently happening and there is something tangible that can be done about it - what good does it do to go digging in the past?

But.....I guess since we're being truthful, something that really bothers me (and to a point has made my life hell at one point or another) is people who can't seem to get beyond a high school mentaility. I mean you've graduated, you're moving up in the world why do you feel the need to constantly stay stagnant in a world that was fleeting? It's just annoying and you want to look at them and ask "Don't you ever feel like growing up?" I'd better hop down now because there is a whole bushel basket of things that follow under this topic and it really doesn't fit under today's question unfortunately. Maybe I'll start another draft for after my 30 days are over and post it then. :)

Random Fact: Sheep can recognize each other through pictures.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Day 7 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.

J makes my life worth living. He is everything to me. We have such a good time together. It's amazing that in this day and age that we've been together this long. We've been through so much together and it's only made us stronger. Knowing what we have been through can only make me think that we can tackle anything. I love him so much and it only grows everyday.

My family also means everything to me. They all make my life worth living. I miss my dad. There is never a day that I don't go without thinking about him. I'm glad I was able to see him before he passed away and I'm glad that I have the memory of how he looked that day. It makes me sad to think that any children that J and I have won't know either of their grandfathers. I wish that they could have because both were great men; Great men who loved and did everything they could for their families.

My friends also make life great. It's nice knowing that there are people who have your back no matter what you do. There are times that I definitely don't deserve them but I'm glad that they are there.

Random Fact: A lion's roar can be heard from five miles away.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

There are alot of "somethings" that I hope I never have to do. It's hard to just pick one to blog about; some are incredible personal, such as hoping to never have to live without J because I don't think I could handle it, and others are little less deep such as hoping to never needing to ask for help, which .

Wow - hard topic. I hope I never have to live without having a family of my own. I hope I never have to make the decision my parents did regarding quality of life, even if I know someone's wishes. I hope I never have to fight my family and I certainly don't want to lose anymore than I already have.

Random Fact: A sysygy occurs when all the planets in our Solar System line up.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 5 - 30 Days of Truth

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.

Yesterday I struggled with my answer to the question and today I feel like I have too many answers but atleast today's blog won't be an all day project (literally - yesterday I started the blog at around 10 in the morning and I finally published it around 11:58pm).

There are many things that I hope to do in my life. The first and most important to me is that I want to be a mom. I want to have a family of my own and I will stop at nothing to get there. No matter what it takes, no matter the amount of pain, no matter the endless amounts of questions without answers -- J and I will be parents some day. I want to be there to kiss my child's bump, or to hug them when they've had a bad day. I want to be the parent who helps out in their classroom and who is active in their school. I want to be able to nuture and raise the next President of the US or the doctor who cures cancer. Maybe our child will be the next teacher of the year...etc who knows! I just know that I want to be a mom! I want to be able to share those endless amounts of cute photos. The first smile. The first step. The first day of school, first date, graduation...etc. I will share them of my family. It will happen for J and I.

The second is I want to live a full life. I don't want to have any regrets that I could have done something about. If I want to go to California, then I will go someday instead of looking back and saying I should have gone when I had the chance. I love to travel, visit new places and see new things. I want to pass that on to my kid(s). I would very much like to go to Hawaii, and I would love to visit all of the Disney Parks. Going to Australia would just rock (though I'm sure the flight wouldn't) and I would love to go see London. I also want to go to see a Broadway play and visit the US's largest aquarium, in Georgia, and zoo, which by exhibit count is the San Diego Zoo in California (the largest by acreage is in Texas, and the largest non-profit is in Pheonix, AZ). I want to be able to say that I've lived.

As for something in the near future, well I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. Just thinking...Haven't even really looked at designs or thoughts about what I want yet - but I'm just - I just feel the urge to do something to mark the change that I feel is happening around me. I'm not even sure what I would get or where I would put it. I mean it took me 26/27 years to get the first tattoo and I made sure that the tattoo would mean something when I got it - it wasn't just a random "Hey let's go!" sort of thing...I really did think long and hard about what and where I was getting it. So we'll see - maybe it's just a phase and I'll forget about it for another 15 years, or I'll just keep thinking about it until I actually do decide what I want, and where I want it.

What about you? What is something that you want to do?

Random Fact:  Turtles can breath through their butts.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Day 4 - 30 days of truth challenge

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone else for.

Considering everything that's happened in the last week or so this isn't an easy question to answer. I'm not sure if I have a specific answer to this question. I mean do I say I forgive the primary school bully who picked on me in 4th grade? Or how about the people in high school who never quite had time to include me? There are lots of people who did things that hurt me that I'd like to say I forgive them for. So I guess my answer to this truth question is that I forgive all those who have hurt me in the past - whether it was intentional or not.

If there's anything that I've learned so far in life - it's to try not to hold grudges. Note the key word in that sentence is try. I completely understand that there are somethings in life that are harder to forgive than others. I've experienced those things. Being pushed into a situation where you're backed into a corner and you have to pick the lesser evil of the two choices before you isn't fun but you do what you have to do. I believe that letting go of the hurt is harder for a woman than it is for a man. Men can be best friends, get into a fight where they beat the crap out of each other, then 20 minutes later be best friends again. Women on the other hand, remember the exact who, what, where, when, why, and how - which tends to put a damper on things for more than just 20 minutes.

Random Fact: The University of Florida has an emergency plan in case of a sudden zombie attack.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Day 3 of 30 Day Truth Challenge

I missed yesterday - it was a whirlwind. Whoops. So I will just continue from today and it will be 31 days....

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

And the hits just keep on coming - does this thing get any easier on the questions? LOL.

Something that I have to forgive myself for is probably a toss up between two things. The first is my tendency to take things very personally, even if I had nothing to do with what happened, and find a way to make things my fault somehow. I know that in my heart not everything is my fault and I cannot control the actions of others and how they use knowledge or information they possess. I always try to find the good in everyone that I meet and I have to understand that not everyone does that. I also assume (yes I know the limerick) that everyone I meet is going to do the right thing and not everyone does.

The other thing that I have to forgive myself for is how long it's taking us to have a family. We're, J and I, struggling with it - everyday. I have to realize that it's not all my fault that it's taking this long and that's extremely hard to do, especially when you're a woman. There are so many complex emotions that go along with it that it's no where near funny and guilt is a big one. I also have to forgive myself when I have a bad day handling it and not get even more down on myself about it. It will happen. I hope. I have to forgive myself when I'm not always strong. Why is it that everyone else seems to get it so easy? I mean there are people that I think they get sneezed on (sometimes by a random guy...but that's another topic) and they're pregnant. To steal a line from one of my very best friends, I have to believe that we're meant to be the parents of a very specific combination of egg and sperm. It's hard to remember sometimes.

Anyone else out there have something they have to forgive themselves for?

Random Fact: A key ingredient in steel manufacturing is lime.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

30 Days of Truth Challenge - Day 2

Day 2. So far so good. So today's topic "Something that you love about yourself" - again so simple! :p

So...what is something that I love about myself. I would probably have to say my resilience and my perseverance. The innate ability to be kicked in the teeth and smile through the pain (for the most part anyway) and in most cases carry on as if nothing was wrong. In some cases still be civil and the bigger person to the kicker. I keep pushing forward, and keep trying. I'm not saying that I never get down on myself or feel like crap about myself because I most certainly do (and truth be told - cause this is what this is all about - it's usually really bad and not pretty). I do, however, try not to let them happen that often and I try to learn something about myself or why they happened. Sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't.

What do you love about yourself?

Random Fact: The idea that giraffes are mute is very wrong! Although they are normally quiet, calves bleat and make a mewing call, cows seeking lost calves bellow, and courting bulls may emit a raucous cough. Giraffes also give alarm snorts, and moaning, snoring hissing, and flutelike sounds have been reported.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

30 Day Challenge for Blogs

Ok I admit this isn't a new idea but I think I'm going to try it. Blog for 30 days straight with a predetermined topic. I can do this.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Wow. Let's start off with something easy shall we?

There are things that I dislike about myself. I think everyone has those but I think the one thing I can actually say I hate about myself is that I believe my tear ducts are hardwired to my emotions. I can't seem to experience a "bad" emotion (sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal...etc) without tearing up - no matter how hard I try not to. Infact trying to not tear up usually makes it worse. It bothers me that when I need to have a serious conversation I have to worry if I'm going to need the kleenex. Then I worry that I'm being percieved as weak or inferior because it appears that I can not control my emotions.

Then there are the reprecussions of tearing up, because I feel so bad about it, I usually forget what it was that I wanted/needed to discuss (or my points of view/arguments) or I just want to get out of the situation that I'm in that I just want it to end so I can leave.

Random Facts: A giraffe's toungue is black

Friday, March 11, 2011


"Clouds may come, but clouds must go, and they all have a silver lining. For behind each cloud you know, the sun, or moon, is shining."

Well...if this week hasn't been an interesting turn of events. I've learned a very hard life lesson this week in a very hard way about just how cuthroat some people can be to get exactly what they want and where they want to be.

I will find a silver lining to this situation or more than one. I believe in karma and that it all works out in the end.

It does make me wonder if there is anyone else on this vast planet who is going through the exact same thing that I am right now. Are they feeling the same emotions? Thinking the same thoughts? Is it even possible for 2 (or more) people to experience the same thing in the exact same way? I know that we are influenced by many things so if you aren't influenced by the same things (parents, religious upbringing, moral and ethical beliefs...etc) can you go through something like this, tell another person about it, and have identical (or extremely similar) experiences?

And now the largest questions of all are posed. Where do you go from here? What move (moves) do you make? Which way do you go? What do you want out of this change? What positive can you make of it? I think the answer for me, right now (atleast to some of those questions), is to get my house in order. Physically, mentally, metaphorically, and literally. There are things have gone neglected for a good length of time and that needs to stop happening. So for me, I think, that's step 1 and we'll go from there. I'm going to try and carve out time each day to write something whether it be a blog, a short story, a mind blowing editorial article (lol)..etc - just something. Writing helps me think through and sort things that are flying through my brain...Like right now I feel...more clear headed (and less stressed), which is probably a good thing because I have to go clean the bathroom...LOL...

Random Fact: When giraffes were first brought to Rome in 46 B.C., they were thought to be as big as a camel, with spots like a leopard. Although we've long since learned the giraffe is not a combination of these animals, the name scientific name camelopardalis (which literally means Cameleopard) stuck.