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Monday, August 2, 2010

Dance...

like no one's watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like no one is listening and live like there's no tomorrow.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Too Much Silence...

Too much silence gives me too much time to think. Hurtful memories are floating to the surface tonight.

Isn't too much to say tonight. Started my new job last Monday. It's still so...surreal. My body is still adjusting to the new hours but that's minor. There seems to be alot less stress. I think it'll be alot less stress and I really like my office manager. She's incredibly knowledgable and we get along great. I anticipate being very happy today.

I think I'm going to go read for awhile.

Random Facts :If you could unfolded your brain, it would cover an ironing board

Friday, July 16, 2010

You are not alone.

Those 4 little words are so very comforting. They ease the clouds and stop the rain, most especially when they come from a friend. It's also heartbreaking because you know what they're feeling, what they're going through, the pain they endure on almost a daily basis when you wouldn't wish that upon anyone ever. Not this kind of pain; the kind of pain that isn't from anything visible or fixable. Pain that only time and patience can ease.

I'm very grateful to and for all of my friends and family. They are always there with a shoulder, an ear, and a hug when I need it most. They are also there to kick me in the butt when I want to give up and become a hermit. I love them more than words can say and I'll never be able to fully repay them for the kindness and love that they have shown me.

I only have one more working day left at Walmart then I'm onto Albion Dental. I'm excited and nervous to be moving on to new challenges as well as sad and torn about leaving my friends and a job that I know I'm one of the best at what I do. I'm thankful that it's going to be a small office in the beginning; that will allow me to get my feet underneath me.

Ok - break time is over - still have a few things left to do before company arrives.

Random Fact: The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I hate this.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.



I hate that this is so hard. I hate that we have to wait yet another month losing more time. I hate that it's this month that this chose to happen. I hate that everyone is so nonchalant about it like it's no big deal. Well it is to me! I know that it happens frequently and yes I know they go away but why now? It's not like we've done anything different in the last month than we've done in the past months.

I HATE THIS.

I hate feeling like it's never gonna happen. I hate not knowing and having to wonder. Is someone really trying to give us a sign that this really shouldn't happen? Does someone have a voodo doll of me and is poking it relentlessly with pins? I just want answers and they're not there.

I'm so sick of hearing relax, and "your body is just telling you you're not ready" and it'll get better - it's just a month. I've already give up 4 months this year with the surgery and now I have to give up, at a minimum, one more. It's not fair! I was so excited to be able to try something different. I'm so tired of seeing everyone around me get what they want and J and I struggle day in and day out. I swear I'd love life as a hermit.

Random Fact: Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Still Waiting....

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate waiting? I mean I really detest waiting; it's probably my least favorite thing to do. Sunday will be 2 weeks since I started taking the medication to jump start my cycle. I know it's still possible to get pregnant, even if you're taking the medication but I know it's also not common so I'm not getting my hopes up. I still want to test - just to reassure myself - but I also think I should just wait - it'll show up regardless...and the reason for that is that it seems like every time I test I get my period within 48 hours...Maybe I should then...LOL...

I get to go shopping tomorrow for clothes for my new job! I'm really pysched about this. It's finally starting to feel real. It's finally starting to feel like I really have the job and am going to be making a difference in something. I'm hoping there's less stress or atleast a less stressful kind of stress...if that makes any sense...I know there are going to be challenges but I'm confident I'm going to overcome them and triumph.

Off to bed I go...maybe I'll try writing a bit more before bed....I've thought about posting some of my short stories here but am not sure...thoughts?

Random Fact: Even Antarctica has an area code. It’s 672.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Independence Day

Happy Birthday America!!! Today we celebrate and come together as a proud nation. :)

Today is also the day that I gave my two weeks notice to my current employer. I feel sad because I know I'm leaving a good group of people but I have to do what's best for not only my family but also for myself. I'm excited to start my new job with new challenges and for a new environment.

Funny thing is I love to write yet the words for my letter of resignation are failing to come to me or fall into their proper place. Nothing seems...right. I mean I don't want to say "Hey I quit!" but I don't want to come across as waffling like I'm unsure of my decision. I also want to express my gratitude because they (the company and the staff) allowed me a great deal of experience and opportunities; some of which probably assisted me in getting my current job.

I don't like it when words fail me. Especially when I really need them not to...Ok enough blabbering from me (because the words don't seem to be failing on this page...) I need to go finish my letter and get my behind to bed.

Random Fact: A chicken will lay bigger and stronger eggs if you change the lighting in such a way as to make them think a day is 28 hours long!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Good Times and Sunny Days Rock.

Can I just how much I love being on vacation? So far, even despite the week's starting weather which was rainy, I have had a blast and we didn't even go anywhere. Just stayed home...It's been so relaxing and unstressful. It's going to be rough going back on Sunday...

I've managed to get most of the last of the painting in the bathroom done...J just needs to get the last of the moulding cut so it can get painted and hung and then the bathroom will be done!!!! Done. 100% completely nothing left to do but enjoy done! I love finishing projects; it just makes the house feel more like ours. Granted it should probably already feel that way seeing as how we've been in the house for awhile but I love remodeling and putting our touch on things. Making the remodeling choice easier is the fact that the people who lived here prior to us had absolutely no taste and wallpapered everything is the most gaudy wallpaper imaginable. I'm talking 7 layers of wallpaper in 1 room alone - one of which is a black background with little neon hot pink flowers.

I can't seem to get into the summer television. There doesn't seem to be anything worth watching on or maybe I just haven't seen the right show. Reality television bothers me. I mean Survivor is a joke - if it was truly "survivor" they would strap some cameras to trees, drop them on some no name uncharted island and come back in 12 weeks (or whatever the time frame is) and whoever hasn't looked at the camera and said - I'm done! Get me off this freaking island, I want to go home - splits the pot. Drop the occasional food/fresh water crate...give them a satellite phone to call if someone gets hurt...heck even have a "safety" officer on hand to make sure everything is ok but this "tribal council", immunity contests, and you get voted off stuff is kinda lame and seriously - how is that surviving? Maybe I'm looking at it too literally. I have a tendency to do that.

Another thing I don't get is why reality television has become so popular. I mean I don't understand the draw or where the entertainment is. When I watch a show I want something that's going to have a plot, a flow; I want characters I can relate to (and yes write about but fan fiction is a topic for another blog)...not just watch this (which can be really, really hard if the act is less than talented) then vote for your favorite. I mean what if you liked more than one, how do you choose? Is it fair to any of the contestants to vote more than once? I'm sure there are tons of talented people who have gotten recognized from shows like American Idol and America's Got Talent but I would rather watch a talent show here and there. I mean basically those to shows are equivalent to Star Search that was on Saturday mornings when I was growing up.

On another note I went to see Eclipse this weekend. Excellent movie. I think it stayed closer to the books than any in the series so far. It had far more comedy in it than I expected to see which was nice because it balanced out the seriousness of the storyline. I liked that they incorporated not only the history of the Quileute tribe but also included that of Jasper and Rosalie. I loved how they handled Rosalie's back story; it was very poignant. They probably could have done more visually with Jasper's but it was good all the same. It stunk that they left out the tiny sliver of Alice's back story in Twilight. I mean it wasn't even as though they had to flash back to anything; it was a just a sentence or two in the book. I love when you get character development because it allows you to relate to or dislike a certain character more. Sometimes it even can cause you to see something from a different point of view other than your own. 

Ok time to get post this blog and unplug. I think I hear the sun calling my name again....

Random Fact: Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Realizations I've Come To.

My dog Moose is nuts and is a couple of french fries short of a Happy Meal. For example right now she's rolling around on the floor (our new wood laminate floor) trying to itch her back and doing this low throaty grunting noise, not enough to call it a growl but it's still just off. I'm not sure if she's angry/frustrated because she's having a hard time itching her back or if it's just her enjoying trying to itch her back. She'll do this for a decent period of time, 15 to 20 minutes, then she'll stop for awhile then start again. It's her new thing...She also sleeps in a position that we like to call the "seal". Wacky dog...

Sounds like rain again for the umpteenth time today. There's a low rumbling of thunder announcing it's approach...I was hoping to get outside this afternoon but I guess that's going to have to wait.
I suppose I should go get some more stuff done around the house. I've made myself a list today and I've done pretty good so far at knocking things off.

Random Fact: Identical twins do not have identical fingerprints.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Ponders (via text)

So I'm sitting here at work on Father's Day pondering things that are randomly crossing my mind....1st thing being changing my layout...but to what?? Any ideas?

2nd thing being how much I can't not wait to be on vacation next week! Not going anywhere but it'll be so nice to not have to come to work!!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fallen

So I just finished a really good book. It's called "Fallen" by Lauren Kate. It was really good and there's another book in the series due out in August. I finished it in 2 days. I couldn't put it down and I got completely lost in my own imagination. It very well might be the next Twilight...I also picked up "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner" by Stephenie Meyer when we were at the bookstore on Wednesday. I haven't started to read that one yet. I'm always amazed at how lost I can get in a book. I hope I can pass that trait onto my kids because it's really nice to be able to fall into a really good book, especially if you're having a rough day. The only bad part it sometimes you have to finish the book in order to walk away...lol...but even then it's not the worse thing in the world....

I'm trying to squeeze in a quick blog entry before the day gets too busy. There isn't too much to say. We're still trying...I have a doctor's appointment on Monday for a midcycle. I'm just...in limbo I guess is the best description. Part of me, my heart is thumping away saying this cycle is going to be the cycle...The other, my brain, is saying we just need to get through this cycle to get to the hormone injections...

I think I'm going to unplug for the rest of the day...or until atleast much later tonight...Until then...

Random Fact: Rain contains vitamin B12.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

June 2010

Haven't had much to post lately. The last round didn't work. Big shock. I knew it wasn't but I let my hopes get up anyway so of course I was upset when Tuesday came. Back to square one.

The funny thing is I'm calm at the moment. Tired but calm. I don't know why I'm so tired...

Ok I'm going to unplug and go relax -- I think I have a book that's been calling my name.

Random Fact: 3.The science of kissing is called philematology

Monday, June 7, 2010

I feel like crying.

I don't know why I allow myself to get my hopes up. I knew this round wasn't going to work; I told myself that and yet I feel like just curling into a ball and crying my eyes out. I took a test this afternoon and it was negative. The office said I should test on Wed so I know I tested early but I still think that it's telling the truth. I feel like I'm getting my period. I just want to have a family.

Random Fact: February 1865 is the only month in recorded history to not have a full moon.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sunny Days Rock

So this weekend has been great. :) Both in getting things done and the weather.

Thursday night I worked out in the yard and managed to get almost all of my yard plants re-circled so that I could add some fresh dirt and some mulch to them. I worked outside for about 3 hours....it was wonderful.

Then on Friday we went and had passport photos taken. I photograph so badly but the photographer (Photos by Bruce - if anyone is curious) did great. Now to just fill out the form and submit it; passports should be here by fall. I then worked in the yard a bit more and then layed out in the sun. It was gorgeous here.

And then today - I got all the mulching done that I could, replanted 2 fuschia plants into my hanging baskets for the back yard and then Jim and I started weeding one of the two front flower beds. I love the sun!!!

Random Fact: Phobatrivaphobia is fear of trivia about phobias.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything." Katharine Hepburn

So it's Wednesday. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday which isn't a horrible thing just too far away. New music, same steps. Hopefully we can add some more soon - I think 9 months worth of steps is appropriate. LOL...I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I'm feeling more positive again.

Had an eye appointment today - I'm getting new glasses and contacts! Yay!! I love my new glasses despite the fact that I usually wear my contacts 98% of the time. I thought it was time to get new ones though - I haven't had new glasses (new contacts yes) in about 5 years or so and my right lens is so scratched I can barely see out of it...ha ha ha ha...

Not too much to post on today; I think I'm just gonna head to bed.

Random Fact: In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die! (How morbid!!!)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

“When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race.” Margaret Sanger

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers that are out there. I know I can say that I know several fantastic mommas! I've also had a couple of people wish me happiness on this day and the first time I wanted to cry and scream that it was a hurtful thing to say. Like I needed to be reminded that this should have been my first Mother's Day. Like I needed to be reminded of the fact that J and I should have a 10 month old because ya know that thought hasn't been running through my head all week. And while I know our dads are taking care of our child in the great beyond - I still selfishly want him or her here with me.

But then I had two other people acknowledge that, while this is a very bittersweet day, that my child was very real to atleast me and that it's ok for me to be a little sad but that it's ok for me to also accept wishes of Happy Mother's Day because I was a mom, if only for a few weeks. I've always felt guilty for accepting those kinds of wishes; like I didn't deserve them because I was pregnant for just a few weeks, I've never given birth. I thought they they were reserved for people who had children who called them mom, for those people who by birth or adoption had children, or people who lost their children late in pregnancy. I'm not sure that I agree with I deserve it but I am going to be far more gracious (especially in thought because well that's where I yell at most people) at accepting them because apparently in the well wishers eyes' I deserve them.

I'm forcing myself to be more positive because I'm sick of being negative. I'm sick of feeling like a loser because we're having a hard time getting pregnant. We are going to get beyond this.

Random Fact: The Muppet Show was banned from Saudi Arabian TV becuase one if its stars was a pig. (I loved that show!)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

It's just us against the world.

I don't have much to say today.  There really hasn't been any change. I think it'd be easier to quit to just give up hope because this hurts. It's painful and uncomfortable and well damn it - it's just not fair!!! Saying this makes me feel that much worse because I know other people have it much worse than J and I. We have a house, decent jobs, loving family (despite not always agreeing with them), our health...It's just a vicious cycle. I already feel bad, which leads to thoughts of jealousy and angry which just make me feel worse because the direction in which they are aimed is wrong but is it so wrong to have a little bit compassion? Is it wrong to think that someone would consider my feelings instead of discussing children, being/getting pregnant? And now the guilt washes over me again because I don't want people to edit themselves around me.

 It's no one's fault that this is happening and I HATE being bitter. I WANT to be happy again. Part of me wants to go back to Sept 2008 before any of this mattered. I wish I'd been more proactive and made them do a thorough check; part of me wonders if that would have avoided all of this pain. I feel like a broken record. Somedays I think it would just be easier to quit and give up.

Random Fact: On BONES, while meant to be disposed of after one use, they try to use the same latex gloves several times so as to minimize the impact to the environment. (They are not as concerned with the "contamination" aspects as some other professions)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Change Change Change

Well the remodel of the bathroom is almost done! All that's left is minor detail work like painting and putting up the molding. Very excited. I plan on spending the better part of my day painting today. Hopefully I'll be able to post some before and after pictures soon. :)

Random Facts: In the writer's room on BONES, upon hearing stories of friends' personal injuries, the writers will often think of ways to turn said injury into a bone clue for a future episode

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Count to 10

I'm better today - still frustrated - but dealing with it better. I know I need to heal - despite feeling fine (other than my hand where the iv was - that still! hurts) and that I'd rather take the time to heal than have something happen that causes more waiting or worse. Wait should still be a four letter word - but I'm making due.

My friend L said "just think of the patience you'll have when you do have children". I understand her point because it's valid but it wasn't really all that comforting. But her brain is also somewhere else too - she's getting ready to deliver her 2nd child in May. 2 under 2 before she's 27.

I want to force myself to be happy but there's always something that reminds me of the giant hole in my chest and just when I think I've shoved it to the back of my mind - it makes itself known again with a vengence. I'm thinking of naming it, I mean it's been there long enough it should have a name right? LOL

Ok...I think I'll go see how the bathroom is coming...

Random Fact: BONES producers knew they had a hit show on their hand when they had to change the "Bones" name on our directional signs for our crew because they started to disappear.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I have to go back to work tomorrow; today is my last day of vacation. It's Sunday so it's a nice ease back into the work week but truth be told I wish I didn't have to go back - atleast not full time. Don't get me wrong, I love my job - I truly do however... I just wish - I wish I had a reason to go part time or to stay home full time. I know the surgery is a step closer to that dream and I know that there will be a time when that decision needs to be made but that it's not right now. I just feel like we've been waiting for so long and now we just have to wait more. I feel like all we're ever going to do is wait. We can't even start trying again for 3 weeks (was 4 - got through this week ok) and that's only if the doctor approves it.

I'm feeling better - surgery wise - obvious the emotions are a different area... Much better than a week ago. Heck I don't even remember a week ago - last Saturday passed in blur. LOL. I guess that's what happens when you sleep for most of a day...I still get twinges of discomfort but nothing major.

I feel like I got nothing done around the house this week and in all actuality I don't think I did get much done. J tells me that it's ok, that this week off wasn't meant for me to have cleaned the house from top to bottom; that it's ok that I didn't get much done. I still feel lazy and like I should have been able to do more.

What's worse is that the hole in my chest has reopened - if it ever even closed - maybe it's just opened wider. We're one step closer and still yet so far away, possibly even farther because we are at a standstill yet again. It feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back; is the waiting ever going to end? Are we ever going to have the happy ending? I wish I knew that everything that's happening right now, all the pain, struggles, silent suffering - everything was going to be worth it in the end. That there's going to be some sort of resolution that's going to make it all worth it. Worth it doesn't even seem like the right term to use...I thought that the surgery would make everything better, that it would make things easier and right now it just seems like it's made things worse and more difficult.

I think I'm going to go write or watch tv or something...

Random Fact: On BONES, the reconstruction tool The Angelator was 100% VFX. The new Angelatron is 100% real time graphics

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Best Day Yet

Today was good. Got out of the house for a bit today...it felt really good. I put on jeans and it was ok. It's amazing how something little, like putting on jeans, can make you feel almost normal.
Not too much to say...back to the waiting game for J and I. All this hurry up and wait is getting a little frustrating.

Random Fact: On the television show BONES, they have the most fertile writers' room in television. Every season but one has produced a baby for a writer on staff.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Post-Op Day 3

Well today is going much better. I've been up and moving around, which is much easier today, and I am attempting to do some things around the house. We'll see how this goes. The sheets are in the washer and the towels (which were carried upstairs by my loving hubby) are waiting paitently to be folded and put away while I write this because I am waiting for the washer to tell me it's done so I'm not going up and down stairs more than I absolutely have to.

The stiffness is slowly fading and the soreness comes and goes - and I can definitely tell if I've overdone it. I've only had to take pain meds once today and that was at 4:30 this morrning - which is good - and right now I'm feeling ok.

Well the washer just dinged so I'm going to go switch that over, start another load and then go fold towels...then we'll see how I feel after that...LOL....

Random Fact: An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Post Op

I'm home. I'm sore and tired but everything is good. The doc said everything went perfectly. :) Now to get up and moving around more. I'm more awake (for now) today...lol...

Time fore more meds and probably a nap.

Random Fact: The lense of the eye continues to grow throughout a person's life.

Monday, April 12, 2010

They say bad things happen for a reason

But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding. A line from the song Breakeven by The Script. A song that makes you thing.

Then I was sent this song and it made me cry. Really listen to the lyrics - it encompasses the last 18 months.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAhpdXMh7NY

Random Fact: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a 'Friday the 13th'.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Blogging On and On

I think I've done pretty well for the last month or so trying to blog atleast a couple of times per week. I'm going to pat myself on the back.

The surgery is only a few days away and I'm really starting to get nervous. I know that it's nothing to be nervous over; that it's a simple outpatient procedure but other than when I was born - I've never been admitted to the hospital and I've only been to the Emergency Room twice - once when I unintentionally kissed a line drive and the other was when I had pneumonia. I don't like hospitals - I never have. They smell funny and they have this air about them. It's weird I know - I just don't like them. Probably has alot to do with how much time my dad spent in them but...anywho.

I've already told J that for my meal on Thursday we are having something extra yummy seeing as how after midnight I won't be able to have anything and I am not sure when I'm going to be able to eat anything. He laughed and asked what I wanted; I have no idea. I'm sure I'll think of something.

It's been a pretty quiet weekend here so far. We did some running around yesterday; went to the bookstore, Target (I love Target!!) but stayed pretty close to home today. Nothing too exciting but that's probably a good thing with the week we have coming up. ;)

Random Fact: Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Όνειρα, Ελπίδα, Πίστη & Αγάπη

I'm feeling a little international tonight. Wonder if anyone will translate the title. ;-)

I love my husband. J is quite possibly the world's greatest husband. I'm am beyond lucky to have him. Even through everything that's happening, everything we've been through he's still making the effort (and succeeding) to surprise me with things or by doing things that he knows will make me happy. So many times he goes out of his way... I love him more and more each day just for being him. I hope that I make him just as happy as he does me. I know we're going to get through this - I know that we're going to come out of all of this stronger and more in love than ever.

Work was pretty good today; the day flew by pretty quickly. My mood is getting better. I think the funk has passed which I am thankful for. Believe it or not it was very tiring being frustrated all the time. It was like I was looking at myself in the third person, telling myself to knock it off but I just couldn't stop.

Not too much to say today. I think I'm going to be off to bed - maybe read for awhile. :-) Hopefully I'll have more to blog about soon.

Random Fact: Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Can't Think...

I really can't think of a good blog post tonight. My brain is refusing to form coherent and understandable thoughts right now. LOL.


Work was fine - typical day after a holiday why didn't you tell us you were going to be closed I needed my prescription I want it now stuff. We probably ended up over 500 today; we were at 425 or something when I left at 6. I offered to stay for a bit longer and I would - with no complaints - but I'm grateful the pharmacist said no, go home.


Really isn't that much else to say - or much else that I can think of at this moment. Of course the moment I lay down and try to sleep I'll probably think of a dozen more things that I wanted to blog about tonight...Isn't that the way it goes?


I guess for tonight I'll say goodbye - and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. :-)


Random fact: A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill

I want children. I know that's pretty much a given seeing as that's why this blog was originally started. I'm in a really good mood today; it's really hard to be in a bad mood. Afterall the weather is gorgeous (so this may be short because I think I'm going to out and try to soak up some vitamin D....) and I had a really good weekend.

J and I went out to Red Lobster on Friday night. Major thanks to Dave who inspired us to go ;-)   It was fantastic; we didn't have to wait very long and they were doing their Lobsterfest promotion so it was a win win. We're convinced now people either give us the new waiters/waitresses or they give us the insane ones...The waitress we had on Friday nice was super nice but out there...very out there. Then we went and did a bit of shopping.

Then last night we had Easter dinner with my family. I love my family. They just bring out the best in everything. :) My sister in law asked how things were going and I explained everything to her. She was happy we've gotten some answers and hopes things progress faster once the surgery is over. I do too. I hope that we're pregnant by the end of the year...I don't think that's too lofty of a goal or at least I hope it's not.

I had the twin dream again; it was the same but different at the same time. Still the same two little boys that look exactly like J only with the bright green eyes. This time they were running around in the backyard with J and I. I remember thinking that these little boys, these beautiful little boys were worth waiting for. That the anguish and pain was worth it because we have these two perfect gorgeous little boys. I think my brain is just working overtime now because I'm refusing to focus on it. If it creeps into my head I try to distract myself with something different such as reading, writing, remodeling, cleaning up from the remodeling....occasionally work too...LOL...

I will continue to be strong; I will continue to move forward; I will continue to fight for that dream. 12 days.

Random Fact: The Platypus has no umbilicus scar (belly button). Even though it is a mammal it is still hatched from an egg.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy Easter to All

What a nice weekend for Easter! The thermometer says it's 84* outside and it's just a lovely lovely day. I just wanted to pass along holiday wishes to all...

I think I'm going to repot some plants before heading to Mom's for dinner. :)

Random Fact: Dirty snow melts faster than clean

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In Case I Haven't Mentioned It...

I hate waiting.

I understand and, believe it or not, respect it's purpose but seriously? I've have enough.

I keep forgetting that Easter is this weekend. I'm excited about that. I get to see my family and I get an extra day off from work. The second is kind of a selfish reason but I'll take the extra day when I can get it. The other reason means my surgery is 2 weeks from the Friday.

I don't have much else to say....I think I'm going to go read for awhile before heading to bed.

Random Fact: Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Late Post

Late post today...it's actually almost tomorrow...not too much to say today. Work was ok, had a moment of inner melt down but I managed to keep it internal for the most part and smile. I'm getting pretty good at that. I just wish someone would realize that I've learned my lesson of patience and that I can't have everything I want when I want it. I've also learned that I can't control everything. Can we please move forward now? I think I've been very good. My doctor's office even helps me learn becasue I finally broke down and was going to call them to ask them the question I've had on my mind for about 2 weeks now...I was going to try and wait to ask them at the pre-op appointment but I caved and called but their phones were shut off for the day giving me the option to get ahold of the answering service or calling tomorrow. I don't know if I'll have the nerve to call tomorrow. I hate feeling like I'm bugging people and being a pain in their neck. Is it so bad that I just want answers; that I want to move forward? That I want to know the joy that most of my other friends have? *Sigh*

I think I'm going to get started working on family trees again...I had started it in high school for a project in one of my history classes and I became fascinated with ancestry. I wonder if I can find my old notes.....I'll have to check with my mom.

17 days.

I think I'm going to go read for awhile. I've got to find some new books to read. ;)

Random Fact: Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Finished...

I've finally finished organizing my Disney Pin collection...Well for now atleast...LOL.

Don't have too much else to say today. Work was ok...I think I'm getting over the funk I was in as things aren't irritating me too much anymore.

I've finally got the date thing figured out on this new layout. Took me back to my computer programming class in high school but I figured it out...LOL. I loved and hated that class. I also may try making my own layout...who knows?

I'm still staring at the hospital paperwork that I have to fill out. I know I should get it filled out. I don't know why I'm dragging my feet doing it. Maybe because it will make it more real? I'm can't help admit I'm scared.

The house is starting to look more and more like a house again...I can't wait until it's done. Completely and totally though I don't know if that's going to happen...ever. It seems like we're constantly changing or upgrading or replacing or moving something! I still can't get over how good the floor looks. Echo likes the new runner we put by the door. She lays on it all the time. The molding is almost all put in/up - just a few more spots but it's been raining so J's had a hard time getting it finished - come on good weather!!! We're getting new carpet for the stairs once the bathroom is finished...We're just waiting on a few more pieces of the fixtures to come in and then the bathroom will be good to start. I'm just so excited and ready for this to be all done with for the summer. 

My mom was here the other day and even she can't believe how much different the livingroom looks and can't wait to see how the rest of the house looks. :)

It was funny we were looking at lighting fixtures the other day and I realized that we will have replaced every single light fixture (including outdoor lighting) except for 1 in this house by the time we are done. I swear the people who owned the house before us were color and taste blind! Evey room had wallpaper, every room had/has gaudy brassy gold light fixtures that looked like they were made in the 60's/70's.

Ok...I didn't think I had that much to say today....guess I had more than I thought...LOL...but I'm going to be off now...

Random Fact: Nosocomephobia - fear of hospitals.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Normal Saturday

Well this probably will be a short post but I'm trying to be better about blogging more often an so far I think I'm at 3 or 4 days in a row. Yay me! Though I do have to say thanks to Sheri for driving me to be more attentive to my blog. :) She even helped me find my new layout... :)

Today was nothing special. We did grocery shopping and put more food in our new freezer. I'm almost finished organizing my Disney pins...only a few more to put in the binder and then I'll be done for a bit.

I used our camera for the 1st time since our January vacation and I totally forgot that I hadn't taken the pictures off from it so I got that nice surprise yesterday when I went to transfer the pictures I had just taken to the computer.

This was the view from our hotel balcony. It overlooked the Savannah. There was a giraffe feeding box on one of the trees so we got to see them quite often.











Giraffes at the feeding box











This was the carving on the headboard of the bed we slept in.






Here's a full picture of the bed.













Ok, Jim and I are off to Target...talk to everyone soon!

Random Fact: Coulrophobia – fear of clowns

Friday, March 26, 2010

My Two Cents

I don't know whether I'm going to get this published all in one sitting or if it will even be posted today but I started this thought process in another blog and I wanted to continue it because well...I think I have a very valid point. I wonder how many people will agree with me...

Since when does having a reality television show make you a star? This thought process actually got started at work on Thursday when one of my co-workers was talking about the latest episode of Dancing with the Stars which of course caused us to focus on the "Stars" of the show and one name caught my ears...

Kate Gosselin.

When did she become a "Star"? Because that's not even in the top 10 people I think of when I think of someone who is a star or even someone who is on the cusp of being famous. Heck I don't think she'd be in the top 25 or 50.

Personally I can't stand her; I couldn't stand her on the episode or two that I happened to catch of Jon and Kate + Eight. I found her to be very controlling, uptight, and mean. I didn't like her attitude or how she treated people. I think the "fame" went to her head and while I don't necessarily blame her for all of it; I personally think that when there started to be marital issues (or rumors thereof) TLC should have said it's over; maybe we'll do a yearly special or bi-yearly special just to update viewers on how the kids are doing because that was supposed to be the focus of the show. How a normal family handles having a set of twins and sextuplets while trying to work, handle the sitter(s), handle getting (and paying for) groceries, diapers, formula and still having enough time to stay connected as a couple while making memories as a family.  I'm sorry a normal working class family does not live in a multi-million dollar custom built/designed home, nor does a normal family have personal/live-in nannies. She used those kids to get what she wanted for herself and it cost her something that I personally don't think it was worth - her marriage. Now I don't know the family personally so I don't know if there were problems before the tv show and I tried to stay away (by not reading/watching/listening) the drama but would you really have tried to have more kids with someone you couldn't stand anymore?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not harping on people who can afford it but it's not your typical working family. Nor am I harping on her for having kids just because we are struggling. I just don't like the drama that follows her everywhere. I mean those kids are going to hear about all the nasty things their parents said about each other and what/who they did- it's called the Internet - who hasn't googled their name or names of people they know before? I would just like to see Kate (and Jon - who while not included specifically in this is no angel) just fade into black - even for just a bit - to get their act together. Figure yourselves and your family out - without the public eye watching - and then if you still decide that you want the life of fame - do it for yourself and make it on your own name - not because you're part or were part of a show based upon your kids. Don't ride on the coattails of your children who didn't ask for this. And that goes for other moms of multiple children...you know who I'm talking about.

Random Fact: The stage were the television sitcom "Friends" was shot on is said to be haunted.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Reflecting....

Today was really good. Maybe I'm moving beyond this funk -- I really hope so because it's really irritating. How's that for irony? LOL.

The closer this surgery gets the more nervous I get despite how much I honestly try not to think about it. I got a phone call from the hospital that brought it to the forefront of my thoughts today. They needed to go over some questions with me. 21 days. Three weeks. Everything is going to be ok....

I find it amazing how something that you don't ever think about - ie getting pregnant - becomes the breath you breathe and takes over every compassing thought you can have. Why is that? It's gotten easier not to think about it but the thought runs through my head - whether it be baby names or dreams that I've had....

It's cool here today and it started rain just as I was leaving work. I think it's stopped now but I wish the weather would warm up and stay warm. I have a lilac bush that I'm excited to see bloom this year. We bought it in the late summer last year and of course it had already bloomed. I'm hoping it's going to be the dark wine color lilac...I'm just hoping it's not another white lilac. I already have one that I grafted from my parents house.

In other news, the renovations in the livingroom are almost complete. Jim hung the crowne moulding last week and  has most of the floor moulding cut. Now it's just to put that up, fill the nail holes, sand and spot paint. After that it's all cosmetic - hanging pictures and such. I also got a new bookcase for the livingroom. :)

I've been on a purging mission lately - getting rid of everything that we don't need, use or that's just useless clutter. . . It's been going pretty well and it's really cathartic. There's still more to go but it's refreshing just to see how much is done.

Ok, I'm going to work on organizing. :)

Random Fact: The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

22 Days

Waiting sucks. There is really no other word to describe it.

Spent this morning trying to organize my Disney Pin collection - I'm blogging now so you can see how far I've gotten. LOL. Oh maybe tonight I'll get farther.

I'm going to try to start blogging again atleast once weekly from this point forward. I used to be really good; I used to blog atleast once or twice a week and then I stopped because I felt I had nothing to say. Or atleast nothing new to say.

Yesterday at work was better. Still think I'm just sick and tired of people but I handled yesterday better. Does that make sense? I have to wonder if some of my problem is the stupid birth control they put me on. Or maybe I'm just tired of waiting and want to get the show on the road....Either way - 22 more days.

Well off I go to get ready for work. I'm going to find something positive in today. I'm going to have a good day. I'm going to shake this funk.

Random Fact: The dramatic centerpiece of Disneyland Park, Sleeping Beauty Castle, stands a mere 77 feet tall but looks much larger due to forced perspective scaling architecture. The castle is trimmed in 22 karat gold leaf to ensure it glitters even on cloudy days

Monday, March 22, 2010

So....

Today was better. I think it's I'm just seriously sick of people. It's probably just a slump - I've had them before. I think it's just I have so much racing through my mind that I'm finding alot of things just annoy the ever living crap out of me. My tolerance is shot - which is pretty bad considering I work in a customer service industry. I'll be ok just have to get through this funk.

The good news is there's only 24 or so days until my surgery. yay.

Here's something more positive....My mom has a new friend...She's very friendly but still adjusting to her new home.




Isn't she cute?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Find me a hole.

For lack of a better word, I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sick of seeing and hearing about people getting what I so desperately want yet can not have - yet. I will throw that little word of hope in there because there is a glimmer of hope. I don't want to come across as insensitive or this cruel old bat...I am genuinely happy for them and I don't want anyone to go through a heartbreak such as miscarriage or the loss of a child. I wish them nothing but the best and I will be there to share in their joy; at the same time I wish it was me.

I hate that my doctor's office told me that I probably wouldn't be on the pill for more than 2 weeks and now it turns out I will have been on it for 6 and I don't know if I'm going to have to be on it after the surgery or not. I don't know how long after the surgery we're going to have to wait to start trying again. I hate that they got me in so quickly for the HSG and the MRI. Now it feels like they are dragging their feet with the surgery. I wish I didn't even have to have this surgery - I wish I knew that this was going to all be worth it.

I just want to scream. I just want to find a hole and crawl in there - to stay.

Random Fact: The coconut is the largest seed in the world.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I've thought about changing my blogger layout/background but I can't. I love my background and it's an unspoken image to my desired dream. I haven't blogged much in the last few weeks merely because there really isn't anything to blog about. Pretty much it's the same ol', same ol'.

Now however...after having a hsg, and a MRI - it has been determined that I have a septated uterus. What this means is basically I have a piece of tissue that it basically separating my uterus into 2 halves. It is removable with surgery. Outpatient surgery. I am brimming with happiness as this was the best of the 3 conditions we were given going into the MRI. The doctor did say that the piece of tissue is not hindering us from getting pregnant but that if we did conceive and the egg implanted on it - that the pregnancy would be destined to fail. The tissue is neither strong enough nor vascularized enough to support the pregnancy. If the egg implanted on the extreme right or extreme left that the pregnancy would survive but the baby would have 1/2 the room and therefore would put the risk for c-section/early delivery much higher.

We've decided to go ahead with the surgery. It's low risk and the rewards are great. Now we're back to the waiting game...

Random Fact: Elephants are the only land mammals that can't jump.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year. Hope everyone made it to 2010 safe and happy. :)