Saturday, April 24, 2010

I have to go back to work tomorrow; today is my last day of vacation. It's Sunday so it's a nice ease back into the work week but truth be told I wish I didn't have to go back - atleast not full time. Don't get me wrong, I love my job - I truly do however... I just wish - I wish I had a reason to go part time or to stay home full time. I know the surgery is a step closer to that dream and I know that there will be a time when that decision needs to be made but that it's not right now. I just feel like we've been waiting for so long and now we just have to wait more. I feel like all we're ever going to do is wait. We can't even start trying again for 3 weeks (was 4 - got through this week ok) and that's only if the doctor approves it.

I'm feeling better - surgery wise - obvious the emotions are a different area... Much better than a week ago. Heck I don't even remember a week ago - last Saturday passed in blur. LOL. I guess that's what happens when you sleep for most of a day...I still get twinges of discomfort but nothing major.

I feel like I got nothing done around the house this week and in all actuality I don't think I did get much done. J tells me that it's ok, that this week off wasn't meant for me to have cleaned the house from top to bottom; that it's ok that I didn't get much done. I still feel lazy and like I should have been able to do more.

What's worse is that the hole in my chest has reopened - if it ever even closed - maybe it's just opened wider. We're one step closer and still yet so far away, possibly even farther because we are at a standstill yet again. It feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back; is the waiting ever going to end? Are we ever going to have the happy ending? I wish I knew that everything that's happening right now, all the pain, struggles, silent suffering - everything was going to be worth it in the end. That there's going to be some sort of resolution that's going to make it all worth it. Worth it doesn't even seem like the right term to use...I thought that the surgery would make everything better, that it would make things easier and right now it just seems like it's made things worse and more difficult.

I think I'm going to go write or watch tv or something...

Random Fact: On BONES, the reconstruction tool The Angelator was 100% VFX. The new Angelatron is 100% real time graphics