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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me.

Happy Birthday to me. I just want to forget it's my birthday and pretend like it's just another day. Is it possible to skip this year? There's so much I want to say but then I think about writing it out and it just seems pathetic. I sit here staring at the empty space and wonder how I can have a blog with nothing to say. There's still no news. No one knows what's wrong with me. Everything looks good - normal. Bloodwork is fine. There are still no answers. My optimisim is fading and I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted this entire year. Yes it's been a year. It's been over a year since I found out I was pregnant and since I miscarried. A year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. All the books say that normal people concieve again within a year. Apparently on paper I'm normal but in the real world no one knows what's making me so defective.

I feel like I whine on this thing. Maybe that's why this is only the second post (maybe the third...can't remember right off hand) of this month. My friend L found out she's having another boy. She'll have 2 kids before she's 27. I know it's not a competition. Really I do and I really try harder than hell not to compare myself with other people - it's just so hard. So hard when everyone is talking about their kids and their pregnancies and you stand there like a schmuck with nothing to bring to the conversation but hopes and dreams that are fading faster than the daylight in winter. So hard when you're seeing these 16/17/18 year olds bringing in these tiny babies and scripts for prenatals...I try so hard to be happy for other people and share in their joy. It's not fair to ask them to hold it in.

I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm never going to know that joy. I'm so scared that if I do get pregnant again I'm going to lose it again that I won't be able to enjoy it. I want to be like all of those happy pregnant people stories.

I don't like being this pathetic. I feel like such a loser. I want to turn back the clock and go back to when it didn't matter; when getting pregnant was just a dream, a thought.

Random fact: Originally Candy Canes were straight sticks of candy. The Master of the Choir at Cologne Cathedral decided to bend the ends to look like a shepherds stick. He passed them out to the children to keep them quiet during a service. This also made them convenient for hanging on trees. They gained their red stripes sometime at the beginning of the 20th century.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Almost December Already....

Wow. I can't believe that it's almost December already. Where has this month gone? This year?? I feel like it's just flown by. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad.

On one hand I want to be excited about Christmas. On the other, I keep thinking I should be buying for a 5 month old. I know it's stupid and pointless but it's still in the back of my mind.

Someone said to me the other day that she didn't understand why pregnant people bother me so much. It wasn't like I was pregnant long enough to feel pregnant. It wasn't like I held my child and then they died. I knew what she meant but it still knocked the wind out of me. It still made me feel like - is she right? Do I have the right to be thinking this way? I mean I wasn't pregnant for a very long time but it still felt real to me and I don't bash the pregnant people I see. I don't say anything bad about them or wish them ill will. I don't even understand how she could say something like that... It upset me but then me being upset about it upset me and it was just a bad cycle.

I know my friends understand how I feel and I thank them everyday for listening to me because I'm sure to a point I feel like a broken record.

Ok - well I think I'm going to sign off for now and go to a little "Cyber Monday" Christmas shopping. :)

Random Fact: The movie New Moon's American premiere was held on 16 November 2009, which, in the lunar cycle, is a new moon

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Frustrated Today...

I'm frustrated and I don't even know how to word it. I almost want to go back to a time when being pregnant didn't matter so much.

Random Fact: The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com

What

What's wrong with me?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pretty Lax...

So I've been pretty lax with the blogging...did you miss me? LOL...There's been alot of things flying through my head; alot of things I'm not sure I even know how to write down.

My appointment two weeks ago didn't go as well as we wanted it to. There's still promise, but it's not as high of a percentage as we would have liked. It's a wait and see game right now which sucks. There's not another word for it. It's annoying...I'm hoping but trying not to get my hopes up; it's an odd feeling and very hard.

Work is insance. We have a tech out sick which unfortunately stresses all of us and when stress increase tolerance lowers and it's just not fun. The tech was supposed to be back on Monday but we got word today she's probably gonna be out for atleast the rest of the week. Mind you I want her to get better and be healthy before she comes back, I hold no ill will against her; I just wish Walmart was more fluid in allowing us to shift schedules and change hours because we need to. *Sigh*

I want to write today but I feel like my brain has shut off. Maybe I'll go try again for a bit...I have a couple of stories started but it's like -- when I get the inspiration I usually can't write because I'm at work or because I have to go to bed or something like that...it's so frustrating...but such is life I guess...

47 Days until Christmas!! :) Which means my vacation is that much closer!! I can't wait...I need this vacation...

Ok..Here I go...Inspiration strike now!

Random Fact: The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hope

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Wishing...

I wish this wasn't so hard.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

“In order to plan your future wisely, it is necessary that you understand and appreciate your past.” Jo Coudert

Isn't that a great quote? I think it's one of the wisest quotes I've heard in awhile because it speaks volumes in just a few small words and it's true in almost all aspects of life. I mean would we appreciate where we are today if it wasn't for our past? Would someone who struggled through college, barely making ends meet and having to give up certain social activities, or new clothes every weekend, or a trip home if they are studying far away from time to time appreciate the dream job they just landed if it were to have been just given to them without any effort on their part? Maybe but more than likely not. Sure it would be nice to have everything handed to us on a silver platter but what would we learn? What experience would we gain? I'm not saying that life needs to be one constant struggle but I think that if there is something that someone wants bad enough they will find away; it may not be the easiest and it may not be immediate but the dream will come true for them.



Had an excellent lesson on Thursday. I feel so confident and more relaxed and better balanced. It was like everything just clicked. It's nice to know that I'm getting my riding legs back and that my previous forgotten skills are coming back quicker with each lesson. I'm not even comparing myself to my friend L (she rides with me) but it's nice to have that one other person there because I'm a very visual person and I can take a minute break and watch her form and her technique if I'm struggling. I hope that makes sense...in my head it sounded much better....lol. If anyone needs a good inner thigh muscle work out - go ride a horse! I'm truly loving it. :) I love how I'm completely focused on something other than work, something other than what's going on in my life for 2 hours every Thursday. There's something about having to have your brain be completely and totally engaged in the now that's very therapeutic. :)



I had a doctor's appointment on Friday (yesterday). Everything went well. Asked a bunch of questions and I feel better about where we stand. I hate feeling helpless and this appointment today made me feel less. We made some decisions and we'll see where that takes us. Knowing that there options gives me just enough sense of control that I don't feel my world is spinning out of orbit. I feel confident in our decision and while I'm still very much trying not to get my hopes up, I'm being cautiously optimistic.

Well I've had a headache for most of the day, so I'm completely wiped out and I think I'm going to bed or atleast going to get off of here...LOL

Random Fact: In Boulder Colorado it is illegal to let a Llama graze on city property.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Give me strength, courage, and trust beyond that which I have...

Rough weekend and try as I might my mood has been slightly less than stellar.

My Dad has been gone now for 2 years. Doesn't really seem like it but it has. That of course has got me to thinking what am I going to lose this year? In 2007 I lost my father, in 2008 we suffered a miscarriage. 2009 isn't over yet. Am I going to lose something else? I hate thinking of it that way and I really am trying not to but it's definitely a thought that has crossed my mind this weekend.

Other than that, I managed to bruise my elbow by slamming it (not bumping it, or whacking it - I mean full force slam) into a door frame as I was rushing around on Saturday and I managed to cut my finger while I was trying to cut up the potatoes. I managed to peel them just fine but when I was cubing them up, I nicked my finger. Thought everything was ok, then I saw the blood. Just a small cut but still, felt like just my luck this weekend. OH! and I managed to get a UTI. Lucky, fun for me.

Still no period. Tested again on Friday with another negative result. We're going on 46 days now. I'm going to try and make an appointment this week. We'll probably end up doing the Provera again and go from there...It's such a frustrating situation. I can't even tell the office when I think I ovulated because I don't know because I don't have a steady pattern...Grrrr.

For some reason, when I write things down here I feel better. I've also started journaling again; not that I don't love my blog, but it's so nice to just be able to "empty" my mind. To just be able to put everything into words. Hopefully that makes sense.

I think I'm gonna wake J up and go to bed.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - Maria Robinson

I spent tonight (well about 2 hours) holding an absolutely, positively adorable little girl who is about 5 days old. I did it willingly, and I loved it and it didn't hurt. I was content; in absolutely bliss. Yes I shed some tears but so did others around the table of which I was sitting. I was also very stunned to learn that what I've gone through had a profound effect on the person who gave birth to this child. I was very moved and touched and I've come to the conclusion that either the hole is still there and I've just become accustomed to the pain or maybe, just maybe - it's healing. I prefer the latter. It was just a very good night overall. :)

Had a good lesson on Thursday. Used more muscle groups that haven't been activated in a while. It felt good. I really love (and missed) riding. It's a good mind occupier.

The season premieres so far have a been a bit blah. I just am not sure how I feel about them. Maybe I just expected more fireworks with how the season ended in May....I don't know but the good news is that the season has begun and with it the twists and turns that it always brings.

The cold weather is starting to drift in bits at a time. I feel like there is so much more to do before the cold cold weather hits. The livingroom has to get finished and everything that it on the fireplace has to be put back. We have to have the furnace serviced (well that needs to be done prior to January) and all the wood needs to be stacked (well finished - it's about half done.). There just seems to list a mile long at the moment. One step at a time, one day at a time.

I think I'm going to head off to bed now. :)

Random fact: Kermit the Frog is left-handed, ya know in case you ever wondered. :)

Monday, September 21, 2009

Turn back on the broken heartache
Some things are just meant to be
I still believe that we got a chance
Still believe that we got a chance to be
Too much is never enough and
Too little is never enough
Full speed got me looking out my rear view
I can’t go back

---Pop Evil "100 in a 55"

I love these lyrics. They have so much meaning and can be applied in so many different situations. I think music so wonderful because it can speak to anyone regardless of what language you speak, religion you are, clothes you wear, car you drive...etc. It is a universal language that can make people feel, remember, reflect...etc. Maybe that's why I listen to such varied kinds of music...or maybe it's because of the fact that everyone in my house growing up listened to something different...maybe? LOL.

I think I'm in a better place today. I'm sure that I'm in a better place. Yes, I still wish it was me too but she's my good friend and I'm gonna be there for her. I'm going to share in her joys and listen to her when she needs someone to vent to. :) I'm excited for her and if she has a girl - I'm going to find the frilliest, poufiest, pinkest dress I can find (but of course it'll still be cute. LOL.)

I talked to J, my friend/Nurse Practioner and she said that there's a possibility (although not a large chance) that I just tested too early. I'm trying to be patient and wait and if that doesn't work, we'll try again. I think that waiting it the worst part of everything; Wait is such a nasty, nasty word. I really think it should be banned from the english language. So should the word patience.

I'm excited for Fall TV. :) All the previews look so promising. :) :) I'm also working on writing more again. Sometimes I wonder if I should put all these blogs into a book but then I think that wouldn't be good reading. hmm..

In other news...there was an article on MSN about NY's Governor Paterson where apparently President Obama has asked Patternson to withdraw his name from the 2010 elections. Apparently other states are referring to him as NY's Paterson Problem. My initial thought is who in the heck thinks we'd re-elect him in the first place?? I mean come on, he's the biggest waste this state's had in a while. He's practically run it in to the ground.

Ok I think I'm going to sign off for the night....Sweet dreams to all. :)

Random Fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I hate feeling like this.

I hate feeling defective but I know no other way to feel.

I'm so happy for my friend L. She found out she was pregnant today. It'll be her second child. I found out I was not. I'll grin and smile and bear the pain. She's my friend.

I guess I shouldn't be suprised or upset but I am and it hurts. It hasn't happened again yet. I don't think I'm going to be able to get pregnant. I think someone upstairs realized they made a mistake the 1st time and flicked the switch to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's not fair.

I want to cry but I don't have the energy. I keep telling myself I'm not going to get my hopes up and then I do. I...I just suck.


Random Fact: The rose is the official National Floral emblem of the United States. This legislation was signed into law by President Ronald Reagan on October 7, 1986. The rose is also the state flower selected by Georgia, Iowa, New York, North Dakota and the District of Columbia.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.”

The quote is far more somber than I meant for it to sound but yet it still speaks.

Last Monday (Aug 31) didn't go horribly. It didn't necessarily go 100% the way that I wanted but it went fairly well. :)

Labor Day was exciting. I got to spend the better part of the day with my Grandparents. I wish they weren't going back to Florida for the winter (or maybe it's just that I wish I was going with them...LOL) but I know that they'll be back before I know it.

I think summer is mainly over here. Kinda stinks seeing as how we really haven't had much of a summer. It's just been really, really rainy.

Other than that - not too much is going on.


Random Fact: All porcupines float in water.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Monday, Monday

Monday.

Ya know - most people wouldn't be looking forward to Monday. Any Monday.

Tomorrow is going to be...different.

Can't wait until tomorrow. :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Interesting Day It Was

People frustrate me. Completely and totally. I think that it is completely ridiculous that I had to spend approximately 15 minutes about why someone's doctor didn't call in their scripts because -- big surprise here -- I DON'T KNOW!!! I'm sorry they didn't do what they said they were going to do but I don't have the answers - please call them.



Other than that the day has been ok. Didn't sleep real well last night. Couldn't get comfortable and then when I finally did, I couldn't shut off my subconcious so it woke me back up. So I was tired, then the day just dragged on...It was just a tiring long day.



I want to go on vacation. I need a vacation. I know that I have one coming and I'm excited for it, I just wish that it was sooner. *Sigh*

I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

Random Fact: In Montana it is against the law to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Grrreat Day!!

Today was a great day. Absolutely wonderful fantastic day -- and I say this knowing that I have to go into work tomorrow.

Today was just -- great. I had a terrific lesson tonight at horseback riding. I felt more comfortable and like I worked harder.

I think I'm going to start another book. I'll update more tomorrow.

Random Fact: On NCIS, at one point, Michael Weatherly's character (Tony DiNozzo) states "I've got a better chance of hooking up with Jessica Alba than these guys do of infiltrating SeaLift.". Michael Weatherly was engaged for a time to Jessica Alba and starred opposite her on "Dark Angel" (2000).

Saturday, August 15, 2009

One Step At A Time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

Jordin Sparks - One Step At A Time



I find inspiring blog posts in the most peculiar places and times. I was doing the dishes when this song came on and I just saw my moments from my life flash in front of me, like an old style movie. I remember how impatient I have been at other points in my life (waiting for my wedding day and feeling like time was going backwards, waiting for the word that the house was ours and how everyone else seemed to be moving at any other pace than the one I wanted...etc) and I realized that this is no different. Everything worked out then, why shouldn't it work out now? There's no reason and that I am just being precipitate of the situation and that's not helpful.

Why am I such a slow learner of these things? LOL. I think I'm just going to kick my feet up and wait quietly - not forever, but maybe just a bit longer. :)

AND....I will have other things to keep my mind occupied. it's always been a dream of mine to have my own horse so with that in mind I have made the decision that I am going to take up riding lessons again. (My NP said it was ok -- I checked ;] ) I had my first lesson on Thursday and I remember how much I loved it when I was younger; as well as the fact that I'm kicking myself for ever quitting. I didn't remember everything and I didn't expect to but I remembered more than I thought I would. I also ache a bit more...LOL. I had just started being able to jump, granted the pole was only a few feet off the ground, but I'm hoping to get more into that. It's going to be good -- I know this. :)

Other than that things are good. Not much new to report.

I think I'm going to sign off now and either go watch NCIS or read my book.



Random Fact: During the filming of Bella's birthday party, Jackson Rathbone got so into character that both Peter Facinelli and Kellan Lutz had to hold him back. During one of the takes, Elizabeth Reaser was knocked to the ground.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

“It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.” M. Scott Peck

I don't understand people. You would think that I would have a grip on what makes some people tick or even what makes certain groups of people tick, seeing as how I spend a good deal of my time observing them. Nope. Nadda. I'm seriously beginnging to think that it's an impossible goal and here's my reason why.

There's this person (well people really) and they've known me for going on 8 - 10 years (while the BIL and ex-SIL were together/married). Well in those years neither person has really gone out of their way to acknowledge me when they've seen me without me doing so first. So then this situation arises that isn't a happy or fun time to go through (separation/divorce) and now everytime they see me I have to get an update on what the entire family is up to. I haven't spoken with my ex-SIL in over a year! I don't get it. I know that she's pregnant and I wish her the safest and healthiest pregnancy (because I seriously don't want anyone to go through a miscarriage - ever) but part of me wishes that she gets really fat and has hard back labor. I don't think that's tooo vendictive - or atleat I hope it's not because I truly to want all parties involved to be safe. But why do I need to hear about it? Part of me feels like it's rub in the face when I had nothing to do with why they aren't together anymore. Grr. People!

The worst part about it is that I've been trying so hard to stay out of and not crawl back into that place in my brain that say you're broken, you're defective, if God wanted you to have a child he wouldn't have taken yours from you and it just seems like people this week are trying my strength to keep that cover shut. I'm trying though - I'm trying hard.

On a happier note, friends (well mainly of my inlaws but I think they are great people) from Blind River Canada (or somewhere near there) are up (down?) visiting for the week and we had an enjoyable breakfast this morning. It was nice to sit around and catch up; I haven't seen them since J and I got married.

Other than that there hasn't been much going on. Still working on the livingroom and the hallway/stairwell. It's coming along slowly. I have pictures to post when I get a minute or two.

I'm looking forward to the season premieres of shows though I can't believe it's already August. Where has the summer flown? It seems like just yesterday I was watching the last of the snow melt and the first buds of the season appear on the trees. *Sigh* Time flys when you're not paying attention.

I think that's all for tonight. :)

Random Fact: On BONES, Angela Montenegro's middle name is "Pearly Gates" which is the name of a guitar belonging to ZZ Top member Billy Gibbons, who plays Angela's father in some episodes.

Monday, August 3, 2009

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future”

Said by John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

I just don't understand; not the quote - I get that, but why are people who are in a position to fufill this quote be denied the ability to do so easily but those who would backhand their 2-3 year old son get pregnant so easily?

I know I should be kind to everyone I meet because I don't know what struggles or fight they are undertaking but some days it's just soo damn hard. Needless to say I had a rough lunch today and as much as I tried to shake it off, the frustration is lying there still like a wet blanket.

I just needed a vent. I think I'm going to go read.

Random Fact:

Walt Disney World Lost and Found is one busy place. Every day an average of 210 pairs of sunglasses are turned in and, since 1971, an estimated 1.65 million pairs of glasses have found their way into the "lost" bin. On an annual basis, Lost and Found cast members collect more than 6,000 cell phones, 3,500 digital cameras, 18,000 hats and 7,500 autograph books.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

New Book.

So in the midst of a renovation project, who starts a new book series? Me. Yup - me that's who. The person, who once she starts reading, has a hard time putting a book down. Needless to say I, unfortunately, took and had a day to myself to read. I mean I did laundry, dishes and that sort of thing but...no work on the hallway. And the funny thing is (well maybe not funny...) but I'm not mad at myself about it.

Anyway -- the author is Kathy Reichs and she's the author who's books the Bones television show is based. I've been wanting to read the books for awhile now and they are great!!! I see similarities to the show but they aren't identical and it's nice. I love forming how the characters look, sound and what their surroundings look like in my head; it's how I totally get lost in a book. It's like this world where I'm a third person observer following them with a camera. It's pretty awesome from my point of view. :) (and a bonus is that I'm learning a bit of french here and there too...LOL)

Other than that I went to see the new Harry Potter in IMax on Friday. It was pretty good I thought and stayed truer to the book than I think the last one or two did.

Ok I think I'm going to unplug now and go read - again. LOL...back to work tomorrow for me. Hopefully it will be a decent day.

Random Fact from Serenity: There is an inside joke printed on some of the crates in the cargo bay. Some of the crates have the message "Reusable Container: Do Not Destroy" printed on them (they are visible behind River after the Reaver has been shot). The original set for the ship, from the show "Firefly" (2002) was destroyed (even though creator Joss Whedon swore he'd make use of it again), and therefore could not be reused for the movie (the set had to be rebuilt from scratch).

Sunday, July 26, 2009

What a weekend. . .

Ever start a small project, like taking down wall paper, and have it turn into something more extensive? Yeah....

Well I did start taking down the ugly wall paper (I'll post photos as soon as I figure that out...) on Friday morning. And J decided to "test" how easy the popcorn texture stuff that's on our living room walls and low an behold the walls (well 2 of the 3) came down and new drywall went up. It's not easy to take the popcorning off just for an FYI - infact it's pretty much impossible. LOL.

So now I sit in my radically different looking albeit unfinished livingroom kinda wondering what we've gotten ourselves into. But then the other half of me says "well it needed to get done so you can get new floors" ha ha ha. I can't wait until it's done -- it's going to look so much better and so different (and people will be able to walk upstairs withough getting dizzy!!).

I think I'm going to have some ice cream - ya know as a reward for all of my hard work this weekend (and the hard work I did at work today).

Random Fact: When the 'evil vampires' make their first appearance, actors Cam Gigandet, Rachelle Lefevre and Edi Gathegi are all wearing little slippers painted like bare feet.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Scrapbooking.

I think that one of my "areas" to improve upon is procrastination. It's been almost a year since we've been to Disney and I'm now just starting to work on the scrapbook. I've totally procrastinated and put it off.

I'm working on uploading the photos as we speak and it's taking forever -- but I guess that's what happens when you take over 1,000 pictures and you don't want to print them all out. So far I've got about 150 selected - I'm about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way done.

I'm also going to be ripping the wallpaper down this weekend!! I've taken (and found more) pictures to post of before and after so I can share with the world just how horrendous this wallpaper is. :)

I should really make this a longer post but I'm just too tired. I'm going to finish up the pictures, send them off to Wally world and then go bond with my pillow for the evening. :)

Random Fact: When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Never Quit, Never Give Up.

My new theme, as you will.

The medicine did work...it just took it's sweet time. Again, impatience + waiting = not a good thing or a happy Holly. LOL. So now we're back to waiting. Again.

Had the most interesting coversation at my PCP's office this week when I was diagnosed with a sinus infection (reminants of my meltdown last weekend - like I needed the reminder...) because I completely forgot that they didn't know about the miscarriage. The person I saw there had some pretty strong opinions about whether I should be taking any medication or not. She said that I'm young, healthy and I had plenty of time. She said that I didn't need Provera or any other fertility drugs that I would get pregnant when it was meant to happen - of course then I explained to her what Provera was for. Yeah -- that's why I don't go to you for OB/GYN services sweetie. *Shakes head*

I understood her point - however I'm not a person who wants to have children at 58.

I got a new phone this week. I ended up going with a Blackberry (or a crackberry as I used to and still call them.) - the Blackberry Tour specifically. My B-I-L used to have one a couple of years ago (and has one again now) and I used to pick on him all the time about being a crackberry addict. Guess you reap what you sow. I love this freaking thing. I had been looking since April to get a new phone and hadn't found one I liked. I was seriously trying to hold out for when the Iphone comes to Verizon or atleast closer to back to school time when they tend to release a bunch of new phones at once. I was actually making myself wait - irony can be both cruel and hilarious. Then Jim had to get a new phone because his practically disintegrated and I saw this phone.

Hello, my name is Holly and I'm a crackberry addict.

Other than that we managed to finish up our dining plans for Disney - now I just have to make the reservations. Well narrow down which day we're going where and make the ressies. I just want to go!! Now!! I can't believe it's been a year (well almost) since we were there. I look at the pictures and we had so much fun. So much has happened in a year.

We decided that we're only going to do the ressies for dinners this time down because we really didn't need them for any of the lunches that we made them for. I'm actually really excited about all of them. We're doing a couple of new restaurants; one is an Irish pub and one is a Flair cooking restaurant (Teppanyaki). We're also going to try out a German restaurant too. Of course we're going back to a couple of all time favorites as well. I'm so excited to go back. I really really really really really really really really really really really really need a vacation.

Other than that there's not too much going on. I think I'm going to bake brownies tonight. Maybe....

I really am feeling more at peace and relaxed. Hmmmm......

Random Fact: It takes the average person 7 minutes to fall asleep.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Your previously scheduled programming will resume after meltdown

Today was better. Easier I'll even say. I got no sleep last night so I'm exhausted (maybe that's the reason for the calmness or maybe it's just that I'm too tired to ref the fight between that really annoying voice in my head and my heart). Do you know the cartoons where the person has the devil and the angel sitting on their shoulder whispering in each ear? That's kind of what I feel like between my head and heart.

My head is telling me that it's never going to happen for us and that I'm letting J throw his life, hopes, and dreams away by being with me. That I am this defective being - basically everything that was in the last post. Most of it was written by my head, doing a mexican hat dance on my heart. That little annoying voice (LAV) keeps saying that you're going to be the only 27 year old menopausal person in the world and no one can help you. LAV keeps repeating this over and over and no matter how much I try to change the channel and not to focus on it, LAV seeps through.

My heart knows that my head is going to an extreme and it's fighting with everything it has to keep my head from winning this wrenching battle. It knows that the chances of me actually being menopausal are slim. It knows that my head is overreacting and that I just need to trust my OB/GYN and the talented staff there because they know more about this and have seen it many more times than I probably can imagine.

I'm scared. I'm scared because the medicine didn't do what it was supposed to and now I'm back to waiting (even if it is just a few more days until NP gets back). I'm scared because what it there really is something wrong - like my ovaries have shut down. I'm scared it really is me. My NP keeps telling me that there's still hope and my heart so wants to believe her. It keeps screaming from deep inside my chest that this is not the end all. I want to trust my heart, I want to believe it will happen.

I wish I could just gag LAV.

In other news, I've started planning our reservations for our trip in December. We're going to be trying out a couple of different restaurants and returning to a few favorites. I also am going to be looking into an interactive murder/mystery style dinner. This should help shut my head up for awhile, it likes to plan and organize. I also am determined to do some sort of scrapbooking this week/weekend. And the new Harry Potter comes out so maybe we'll detour to the theatre to see that.

I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart.

Now if I just repeat that a couple million more times maybe my head will start believing it...

Random Fact: The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I should have been holding you today.

This should be a positive post - but it's not going to be. I'm sorry if that's what you were looking for. You can leave now if you want. No feelings will be hurt or offended. It's ok, I promise.

I should be holding my child today - or atleast close to holding my little boy or girl. I should be happy and glowing and excited. I'm not. I'm not days or even months close to holding my child because I have no child to hold or anticipate to hold. I'm defective and should be sent back. I wasn't made correctly. It's a sign -- It wasn't meant to be. It's just a fact I'm going to have to live with.

The medication isn't working - the plan isn't going accordingly. I can't even go the more aggressive route because the medication was the first step there as well. I feel like I'm out of options and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining. I thought I was getting better - I thought I was moving forward but ya know what? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!! IT ISN'T RIGHT! I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. I followed all the books and DID EVERYTHING I was supposed to!! WHAT MAKES ME UNDESERVING??!!?? WHY!!

Why?

Why not Jim and I? Why am I forced to watch all of these other people with their children? Please...Take this pain and make it go away. Please....Tell me if I'm meant to be a mommy. Please...Tell me you didn't make me have those dreams - the two little twin boys with the brightest green eyes - just to tease me. Please...Tell me there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Please...Tell me there's some justification to all of this pain...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I went to see Transformers 2 yesterday. Wow. That was a different movie as opposed to the first. It was good -- don't get me wrong; a very, very good movie but there was a whole lot more sexual references in the 2nd as opposed to the 1st. I probably wouldn't take anyone under the age of 12 to it - and then that's probably pushing.

I also got a new book at Barnes and Noble yesterday. It's by Kathy Reichs. I'm hoping it's good. I've been wanting to read one of her books for awhile now seeing as how she is the reason the TV show Bones is around but other books always seem to distract me when I'm in the book store.

I haven't gotten any scrapbooking done yet this weekend. Looks like I probably won't either as we have plans to go over to a friends tonight. Oh Well. Maybe I can get something done in that direction before we have to leave...like getting the pictures sent to Wal-mart or some journaling once I've selected the pictures.

Oh I should go get my day started. It just such a muggy/blah feeling day....I want to go on vacation....LOL. Maybe I'll start on that today too...We have to make our dining reservations. Ok - off I go....

Random fact of the day: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and looks out the window which hope has opened.--Charles Spurgeon

Today was a bit of a rough day; it was a long, long day.

I read the blog of a friend today and it moved me to tears. I'm not talking about a single tear or just watery eyes - I mean tears flowing. Her words were that powerful and completely totally full of meaning. It honestly felt like she'd plucked some of the words right out of my head and allowed my emotions to breathe. Which leads me to the topic of my post....

wait
v. wait·ed, wait·ing, waits
v.intr.
a. To remain or rest in expectation: waiting for the guests to arrive. See Synonyms at stay
b. To tarry until another catches up.
2. To remain or be in readiness: lunch waiting on the table.
3. To remain temporarily neglected, unattended to, or postponed:
4. To work as a waiter or waitress.

It should also say that it's a horrible and nasty word. Completely and absolutely assinine. Wait should be added about the 4-letter words that are considered "naughty".

I used to be one of those people - ya know those people, who because they didn't know what else to say, would make all the wrong comments (it'll happen, relax, you're concentrating on it too much...) not knowing how hurtful they are without even meaning to be. I'm more mindful of my words now. Much more.

Impatience.

It's not good in combination with wait. They are like oil and water and should not (and most often can not) be mixed.

Hope. v.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
2. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment
3. To look forward to with confidence or expectation

This is one of those good 4-lettered words. It instills a goodness in your mind of something that is essentially pure.


I know that there are alot of people pulling for us and I'm pulling for others who I know that are in the same boat as us.

I just want to thank my friend - you have put into words feelings that I couldn't articulate -- and that I am glad that we have become friends. I am glad that you have welcomed me into your life and have become part of my support "circle" (and I hope that I have become part of yours as well...)

I think I will log off at this point and go to bed, feeling more relaxed and at peace.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Proceed with the Plan.

Ok -- well I've had a blood test (and the guy completely bruised my arm!!). The results came back negative (which is what I suspected so it wasn't like a shock or anything.) so we move onward with the plan.

What plan you ask? Well, let me explain it to you... ha ha ha.

Basically my OB/GYN is going to jump start my cycle (similar to a car is the visual I get in my head - only with medication instead of cables and electric shock ;-] ) and hopefully things (Are you listening body?? I hope you are hearing me....) cooperate after that. We shall see. It was the middle of the road option, which really surprised my NP because I'm impatient and well...I want things NOW.

I was given the option to wait - see if things corrected themselves and that just wasn't going to work for me. Sorry -- it's the whole impatience thing. The second option was to take this medication and then see where things go. . . The third was the the most aggressive - to take this one medication and then take this other medication (and that will be my recourse if this doesn't work) to try and jump start the cycle as well as jump ovulation.

As much as I want this to happen (I do obviously) I want to do it somewhat naturally....We'll see how this works. I feel better now that there's a tenative plan in place; it makes life much easier when there's atleast options on the table. I think I'm more at ease now than I have been in the last 7 months; it's almost odd feeling. I still don't like it, but it's easier to handle now....I think that's what I mean to say.

I had this other complete thought process for a blog this afternoon but blogger wasn't cooperating and now the thought is gone...Oh well -- maybe it'll come back tomorrow.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me' -- Ayn Rand

I heard this quote today and it struck me -- hard. It really made me think about everything that I see everyday and what I want out of life.

I want to be a mother. I want to have a little family with my husband and see the eyes through my child(ren). And I feel sorry for anyone who tries to stand in the way of that dream because they will get run over.

I actually danced around the kitchen today while I unloaded/loaded the dishwasher and it felt good! I didn't care that I probably looked like a fool and someone might come home and see me. I didn't care!

Right now - at this moment in time - life is almost bliss. I have a snuggly puppy and it's a gorgeous night. The only thing that could make it better is for J to be home -- which I think that he actually just pulled into the drive. :)

Random Dumb Law of the Day: In the state of Arizona is is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Decisions, Options, and Random Musings...

Things continue to be ongoing, mind boggling, and otherwise irritating/frustrating... However, we have been given a set of three options, none of which I'm 100% happy with but being as they are the cards being dealt we will make the best hand we can until the next round. (Not sure what is up with the poker references...but we'll just go with it) With that being said, we make our first step towards a hopeful resolution tomorrow and go from there. It's important to me to be doing something...it's almost been 9 months since October -- my original due date is a week and a half away. I can't just sit around any longer and be inactive -- maybe that's part of my problem but I atleast need an answer or answers about a couple of things now.
Patience is a virtue. As much as I really do agree with this statement, I have to laugh at it. I was not bestowed with oodles of this virtue naturally. It's not that I'm completely impatient because I know that there are things that come with time and that only come after working for them. I don't mind standing in line, or counting down the day til a vacation...etc and I generally can be patient for most things. I REALLY do no like having no control over something that has to do with me. I am not happy not being able to fix a something as I foresee as a problem and then I have to be patient on top of that. I do not like that
Things are going well. Work seems to have settled down again. For awhile. Not much else going on.
Random fact for the day:
Odontophobia is the fear of teeth
lol :)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance...

Don't get worried - I'm not going anywhere or thinking anything drastic. I've just be rereading some previous blogs written by a friend (who has also had a miscarriage) and it's just made me think. I've come to some realizations that I just don't have the ability to put into words yet. I have to take some time and put them into context in my head before I put them on "paper". I don't know yet if this is a good thing or not - but time will soon tell.

I will blog more tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I'm Thankful For...

Ya know -- I've gotten to thinking tonight (as I was closing by myself) that the majority of these posts are pretty sad/disheartening. My life really isn't that depressing or atleast I hope it's not. I've decided that tonight, while I wait for the laundry to finish so I can switch it around before going to bed that I'm going to think of a list of things, in no particular order, that I am thankful for. :) So..Here goes...

Things I am thankful for.....

1. My Husband - who loves me - more than I think I deserve on some days.
2. My Home - "four walls and a roof" that is distinctly ours and we can do anything to it that we please. We could paint the walls hot neon pink with red, green, white and purple polka dots on blue lines if we wanted to. (Editor's note: Not that we would ever do such a thing. Seriously - we have issues with the wall paper that's up now and it's no where near that bad)
3. My Health - while there are things I would like to change, I am generally a healthy person.
4. My Family - people who love and support me no matter what the trials and tribulations.
5. My Puppies - they love me unconditionally no matter what
6. My Job - I may have days that stress me but overall I really do love what I do
7. My Friends - I have the best friends in the world - they listen and offer advice and are there like no one else I know. I swear there are days that they deserve medals.
8. My Father - I miss my dad every single day. Though we didn't always see eye to eye, I loved him tremendously and know he's watching over me now. He was truly an intelligent man who loved his family and I hope I always will make him proud - no matter what. I love you Dad.
10. My Mother - I hope that I can be half of the mom that mine is because my mom rocks. She did so much for me (and the rest of the family), that went unnoticed and she never complained about any of it,while I was growing up that I didn't even realize until I became an adult.
11. Having the ability to appreciate the silence as much as I appreciate the noise. I'm amazed at my ability to sit here, with only the sounds of the dogs snoring, and enjoy it just as much as if the tv were on and people were with me. Some people may thing that's simplistic but I think that it's a good trait to have.
11. Having a good work ethic instilled into me by my parents. They taught me that any job worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability. You don't do things half assed because that's how it makes you look.

Well that's a fairly good start. I just heard the buzzer for the washer so time to go do the switcheroo and head to bed!! :)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Better Today

Today was ok - a bit better, especially after talking to some friends. There is a glimmer of light throught the darkness that I feel. I can't say that my opinion has changed drastically but. . .

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. . .

With a broken heart that's still beating. . . .

Just when I think I have a grip on things someone speeds the ride up and all I want to do is get off. Why is the world so cruel?

Why am I forced to listen to a co-worker complain about her children doing trivial things when all I want to do is tell her to shut up. I want to tell her that I would give anything to have a child to complain about. She's so excited that she's "getting rid" of her 3 kids for the entire month of July. She's even gone as far as to tell me to be thankful that I don't have any kids. What I wouldn't give to have 1 healthy normal child, let alone 3.

My period is late. It was due around the 12th. I've tested twice, both time negative. I kept saying I wasn't getting my hopes up - and I tried. I tried really hard but I guess in the background they crept up anyway. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to curl into a ball and stay there forever. I want to be normal. There's nothing anyone can do; I guess it's just not meant to be for me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Busy Weekend

Hey -- it's been a busy weeekend here around the old homestead. Yesterday we got a lot of yardwork done. We trimmed a few trees and I have to say they look soo much better. The tree in the front yard looked a bit shaggy so we trimmed 6 - 8 limbs from it and the one in the back yard snapped a limb so we figured what the hey -- might as well take some of it's droopy limbs down too. We also mowed the lawn (exciting I know!).

We had a small enclosed campfire last night as well and made s'mores. It was really relaxing. I miss having campfires with my family. We used to have them all the time in the summer when my grandparents had their "summer" home. Look at me being all nostalgic.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. :)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm not a princess, this ain't no fairytale...

Sigh. There are just days. Some days that just make people want to scream.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hmmm....

Ok -- I have to share this because it upsets me. There is this person - she came to the pharmacy in late March/early April and asked the Pharmacist to read her at home preg test. The pharmacist said that it was positive. Her reaction was "Shit." and a couple weeks later she picked up a prescription and stated that she was experiencing a miscarriage. I felt her pain -- or atleast I thought I did.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Again, she asked the Pharmacist to read her pregnancy test and again it was positive. She asked the pharmacist if he was sure and he said yes, but she may want to try and take another one just to be sure.

Fast forward to today. She came in yesterday and bought Plan B (the morning after pill). Said that her MD told her that would cause her to miscarry but he wouldn't write her a script for it because he doesn't believe in abortion. She came in again today and wanted to buy another Plan B. The pharmacist asked why - and she stated that her boyfriend found the pack that she bought yesterday and destroyed it. She said that he's trying to trap her! WTF??? Hasn't she heard of BIRTH CONTROL?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! Get an IUD -- get NUVA RING -- get something or here's a wacky idea -- STOP HAVING SEX!!!!!! The pharmacist refused to sell her another pack. Stupid freaking people -- it really should be legal to smack stupid people or atleast make them wear a sign or something.... Hmmmm...

I was really upset and I guess in my mind it's understandable. This woman doesn't want a baby - doesn't appreciate the fact that she can apparently get pregnant by being sneezed on. But grrrrrrr how? Why? It isn't fair!!! Hmmm...I was wrong -- I thought I understood her pain - I thought I knew what she was going through...I was wrong. Very wrong.


Other than that - that weekend was great. I've been in a great mood lately and I've started working out again. I'm still working on what color to paint the stairwell after we pull down the horrible wallpaper.

Other than that -- nothing much going on.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Yeah!!

http://www.mtv.com/videos/movie-trailers/395235/trailer-premiere-new-moon.jhtml#id=1612947

Great trailer. :)

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Watching Family Guy and Waiting for Wings.

*Sigh*

I'm sitting here, watching Family Guy on the computer (because there's nothing actually on TV) and waiting for Dave to bring dinner home (Yay!!! Dave -- thank you thank you thank you!!!) because I'm in no mood to cook. I just don't feel like it.

I'm so tired - I thought I slept well last night but right now I just feel like I could drift off into dream land. I think it's the weather; it's been hot and humid, then it cools right off -- I think it's reeking havoc with my sinuses and throwing me off. I could just fall asleep.

I've been trying to refocus and write more. On somedays it works, on others - not so much but it's been helping.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I need a brick wall --- stat!

I think I've figured out the way to ensure and guarentee a pregnancy! I have to find a brick wall and beat myself stupid against it because apparently the only people who can get pregnant in this area are the ones who aren't trying, teenagers, people with martial issues, and the ones who are too stupid to read a pregnancy test (ie -- they had to have the pharmacist read it -- not once but twice....)!!! Grrr...

I'm ok. I'm ok. Breath...I'm going to go now and try to write. I'm going to channel my anger/frustration/irritation/sadness in to something positive and constructive.

I managed to get the front flowerbed weeded, new flowers planted, peat-mossed, and watered tonight. Took me about 4 hours. Next up is the raised ring flower bed but that's probably going to be next weekend-ish because I am pooped!!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Frustrated

Ugh!!! I'm just entirely frustrated tonight and it's really for no reason. Maybe it's just restlessness more than frustration. I wish there was a way to fill this emptiness - this gaping hole - that I feel. I want us to have a family.

I want to write. I have no ideas.
I want to read. Nothing is capturing my attention.
I want to scream. It would be not worth the air.
I want to cry. It would be wasted tears.
I want someone to tell me why and there's no one with the answers.


I bought a lilac bush today. I'm going to plant it either tomorrow or Monday. I'm hoping that it's going to be a deep purple but I'm going to be happy with what I get. :)

I don't really want to go to work tomorrow. Ugh...I'm going to go play a game for a bit then head to bed...Ugh...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ughh.

Ya know -- I just -- grrrr.

I seriously want to disconnect my brain some days.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Warning -- TMI inside.

Ok you've all been warned.

Mother Nature made her stop today. I'm actually kinda happy about it - a little anyway. My cycle seems to be back closer to normal (31 days this cycle as opposed to 53 last time.) which is good I guess. I was kinda hoping to fall pregnant this time around but it wasn't meant to be. I'm trying really really hard not to concentrate or focus on it. I really am.

It's hard though. I mean we got pregnant so easily last time. Why shouldn't it be just as easy this time? But, again. I'm trying really hard not to make that the focus or stress. I really really am.

Guess we'll try again next month.

In other news, I'm ripping down the wallpaper (because it's purple, gold, green, and cream vertical stripes) in the stairway. Any color suggestions? :)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all.

I didn't think that today would affect me in any way but it has. Not in a major way but it has emphasized the hole that I feel is in our lives. I think that makes sense. I hope that makes sense. I've had a couple of people wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I'm grateful. I mean I know I'm mom to our dogs, and I do alot of the "mom" things around the house...so I guess that makes me a mom? I don't know if being pregnant for such a short period of time and not having it go to term makes me a mom. I've always thought that a mom is having someone who calls you mom. Maybe I'm wrong...

Maybe I'm rambling....


It still hurts a bit -- to see people who are mean, ugly (both in appearance and manners) and downright evil to get everything they want. To see these people who don't appreciate their child(ren) (or at very least don't seem to) and to see people who treat their child(ren) as an accessory. It's gotten easier but there's still a pang of guilt/saddness every once in awhile.

There have been two people that I know that have given birth recently and I'm happy for them. I'm ecstatic for them but in the same breathe I wish it was me.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I hate feeling like something is missing from my life and I know how cliche that sounds. I just feel like there's an element missing.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Grrrr.

I don't get it....

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

New Post

Hey it's been awhile. I keep trying to update this but realize there isn't much to say. Things are back to normal - or whatever normal for us is. The vet just lowered Moose's medication and (knock on wood) things are going well.

The doctor said that it's ok to start trying again so that's good news. Trying not to stress about it - kinda hard but I am trying. It's amazing how much it dominates the conciousness. I mean before, when we first started trying, I didn't think anything of it. Nothing. I mean I only took the test initally to reassure myself that my system was just off due to coming off the pill. Now it feel like I'm monitoring my body under a microscope, as much as I'm trying not to.

Ok - I don't feel like being depressed, so I'm going to go play a game of Solitaire before heading off to bed. Goodnight.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Time to Update

Well, it's time to update the blog. Jim and I lost the baby back in Dec. December 19th to be exact. We went in for a follow up ultrasound for someting so mundane and the technician kept taking notes and was unusally quiet. She then brought the doctor in and he just stated "the fetus is dead." He was a complete jerk. There were tons, thousands of tears. No one exactly knows what went wrong and the overall thought is that there was something wrong with the baby - with the way the cells fused and divided. It was really hard not to blame myself (as much as everyone else told me that it wasn't) because bearing children is the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do without any issues, without any questions. It's so hard not to feel like a failure but it gets easier every day.

It took time to adjust and let things sink in. Things are better now and are back to normal. Jen, my NP, said that we can start trying mid-end March, which we plan on doing.

We're also planning another vacation for January 2010 which is definitely something positive to look forward to. I definitely can't wait to go back. I love it down there....

Until next time...