Sunday, July 12, 2009

I should have been holding you today.

This should be a positive post - but it's not going to be. I'm sorry if that's what you were looking for. You can leave now if you want. No feelings will be hurt or offended. It's ok, I promise.

I should be holding my child today - or atleast close to holding my little boy or girl. I should be happy and glowing and excited. I'm not. I'm not days or even months close to holding my child because I have no child to hold or anticipate to hold. I'm defective and should be sent back. I wasn't made correctly. It's a sign -- It wasn't meant to be. It's just a fact I'm going to have to live with.

The medication isn't working - the plan isn't going accordingly. I can't even go the more aggressive route because the medication was the first step there as well. I feel like I'm out of options and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining. I thought I was getting better - I thought I was moving forward but ya know what? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!! IT ISN'T RIGHT! I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. I followed all the books and DID EVERYTHING I was supposed to!! WHAT MAKES ME UNDESERVING??!!?? WHY!!


Why not Jim and I? Why am I forced to watch all of these other people with their children? Please...Take this pain and make it go away. Please....Tell me if I'm meant to be a mommy. Please...Tell me you didn't make me have those dreams - the two little twin boys with the brightest green eyes - just to tease me. Please...Tell me there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Please...Tell me there's some justification to all of this pain...