Monday, July 13, 2009

Your previously scheduled programming will resume after meltdown

Today was better. Easier I'll even say. I got no sleep last night so I'm exhausted (maybe that's the reason for the calmness or maybe it's just that I'm too tired to ref the fight between that really annoying voice in my head and my heart). Do you know the cartoons where the person has the devil and the angel sitting on their shoulder whispering in each ear? That's kind of what I feel like between my head and heart.

My head is telling me that it's never going to happen for us and that I'm letting J throw his life, hopes, and dreams away by being with me. That I am this defective being - basically everything that was in the last post. Most of it was written by my head, doing a mexican hat dance on my heart. That little annoying voice (LAV) keeps saying that you're going to be the only 27 year old menopausal person in the world and no one can help you. LAV keeps repeating this over and over and no matter how much I try to change the channel and not to focus on it, LAV seeps through.

My heart knows that my head is going to an extreme and it's fighting with everything it has to keep my head from winning this wrenching battle. It knows that the chances of me actually being menopausal are slim. It knows that my head is overreacting and that I just need to trust my OB/GYN and the talented staff there because they know more about this and have seen it many more times than I probably can imagine.

I'm scared. I'm scared because the medicine didn't do what it was supposed to and now I'm back to waiting (even if it is just a few more days until NP gets back). I'm scared because what it there really is something wrong - like my ovaries have shut down. I'm scared it really is me. My NP keeps telling me that there's still hope and my heart so wants to believe her. It keeps screaming from deep inside my chest that this is not the end all. I want to trust my heart, I want to believe it will happen.

I wish I could just gag LAV.

In other news, I've started planning our reservations for our trip in December. We're going to be trying out a couple of different restaurants and returning to a few favorites. I also am going to be looking into an interactive murder/mystery style dinner. This should help shut my head up for awhile, it likes to plan and organize. I also am determined to do some sort of scrapbooking this week/weekend. And the new Harry Potter comes out so maybe we'll detour to the theatre to see that.

I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart.

Now if I just repeat that a couple million more times maybe my head will start believing it...

Random Fact: The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.