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Sunday, July 26, 2009

What a weekend. . .

Ever start a small project, like taking down wall paper, and have it turn into something more extensive? Yeah....

Well I did start taking down the ugly wall paper (I'll post photos as soon as I figure that out...) on Friday morning. And J decided to "test" how easy the popcorn texture stuff that's on our living room walls and low an behold the walls (well 2 of the 3) came down and new drywall went up. It's not easy to take the popcorning off just for an FYI - infact it's pretty much impossible. LOL.

So now I sit in my radically different looking albeit unfinished livingroom kinda wondering what we've gotten ourselves into. But then the other half of me says "well it needed to get done so you can get new floors" ha ha ha. I can't wait until it's done -- it's going to look so much better and so different (and people will be able to walk upstairs withough getting dizzy!!).

I think I'm going to have some ice cream - ya know as a reward for all of my hard work this weekend (and the hard work I did at work today).

Random Fact: When the 'evil vampires' make their first appearance, actors Cam Gigandet, Rachelle Lefevre and Edi Gathegi are all wearing little slippers painted like bare feet.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Scrapbooking.

I think that one of my "areas" to improve upon is procrastination. It's been almost a year since we've been to Disney and I'm now just starting to work on the scrapbook. I've totally procrastinated and put it off.

I'm working on uploading the photos as we speak and it's taking forever -- but I guess that's what happens when you take over 1,000 pictures and you don't want to print them all out. So far I've got about 150 selected - I'm about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way done.

I'm also going to be ripping the wallpaper down this weekend!! I've taken (and found more) pictures to post of before and after so I can share with the world just how horrendous this wallpaper is. :)

I should really make this a longer post but I'm just too tired. I'm going to finish up the pictures, send them off to Wally world and then go bond with my pillow for the evening. :)

Random Fact: When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Never Quit, Never Give Up.

My new theme, as you will.

The medicine did work...it just took it's sweet time. Again, impatience + waiting = not a good thing or a happy Holly. LOL. So now we're back to waiting. Again.

Had the most interesting coversation at my PCP's office this week when I was diagnosed with a sinus infection (reminants of my meltdown last weekend - like I needed the reminder...) because I completely forgot that they didn't know about the miscarriage. The person I saw there had some pretty strong opinions about whether I should be taking any medication or not. She said that I'm young, healthy and I had plenty of time. She said that I didn't need Provera or any other fertility drugs that I would get pregnant when it was meant to happen - of course then I explained to her what Provera was for. Yeah -- that's why I don't go to you for OB/GYN services sweetie. *Shakes head*

I understood her point - however I'm not a person who wants to have children at 58.

I got a new phone this week. I ended up going with a Blackberry (or a crackberry as I used to and still call them.) - the Blackberry Tour specifically. My B-I-L used to have one a couple of years ago (and has one again now) and I used to pick on him all the time about being a crackberry addict. Guess you reap what you sow. I love this freaking thing. I had been looking since April to get a new phone and hadn't found one I liked. I was seriously trying to hold out for when the Iphone comes to Verizon or atleast closer to back to school time when they tend to release a bunch of new phones at once. I was actually making myself wait - irony can be both cruel and hilarious. Then Jim had to get a new phone because his practically disintegrated and I saw this phone.

Hello, my name is Holly and I'm a crackberry addict.

Other than that we managed to finish up our dining plans for Disney - now I just have to make the reservations. Well narrow down which day we're going where and make the ressies. I just want to go!! Now!! I can't believe it's been a year (well almost) since we were there. I look at the pictures and we had so much fun. So much has happened in a year.

We decided that we're only going to do the ressies for dinners this time down because we really didn't need them for any of the lunches that we made them for. I'm actually really excited about all of them. We're doing a couple of new restaurants; one is an Irish pub and one is a Flair cooking restaurant (Teppanyaki). We're also going to try out a German restaurant too. Of course we're going back to a couple of all time favorites as well. I'm so excited to go back. I really really really really really really really really really really really really need a vacation.

Other than that there's not too much going on. I think I'm going to bake brownies tonight. Maybe....

I really am feeling more at peace and relaxed. Hmmmm......

Random Fact: It takes the average person 7 minutes to fall asleep.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Your previously scheduled programming will resume after meltdown

Today was better. Easier I'll even say. I got no sleep last night so I'm exhausted (maybe that's the reason for the calmness or maybe it's just that I'm too tired to ref the fight between that really annoying voice in my head and my heart). Do you know the cartoons where the person has the devil and the angel sitting on their shoulder whispering in each ear? That's kind of what I feel like between my head and heart.

My head is telling me that it's never going to happen for us and that I'm letting J throw his life, hopes, and dreams away by being with me. That I am this defective being - basically everything that was in the last post. Most of it was written by my head, doing a mexican hat dance on my heart. That little annoying voice (LAV) keeps saying that you're going to be the only 27 year old menopausal person in the world and no one can help you. LAV keeps repeating this over and over and no matter how much I try to change the channel and not to focus on it, LAV seeps through.

My heart knows that my head is going to an extreme and it's fighting with everything it has to keep my head from winning this wrenching battle. It knows that the chances of me actually being menopausal are slim. It knows that my head is overreacting and that I just need to trust my OB/GYN and the talented staff there because they know more about this and have seen it many more times than I probably can imagine.

I'm scared. I'm scared because the medicine didn't do what it was supposed to and now I'm back to waiting (even if it is just a few more days until NP gets back). I'm scared because what it there really is something wrong - like my ovaries have shut down. I'm scared it really is me. My NP keeps telling me that there's still hope and my heart so wants to believe her. It keeps screaming from deep inside my chest that this is not the end all. I want to trust my heart, I want to believe it will happen.

I wish I could just gag LAV.

In other news, I've started planning our reservations for our trip in December. We're going to be trying out a couple of different restaurants and returning to a few favorites. I also am going to be looking into an interactive murder/mystery style dinner. This should help shut my head up for awhile, it likes to plan and organize. I also am determined to do some sort of scrapbooking this week/weekend. And the new Harry Potter comes out so maybe we'll detour to the theatre to see that.

I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart. I'm going to trust my heart.

Now if I just repeat that a couple million more times maybe my head will start believing it...

Random Fact: The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I should have been holding you today.

This should be a positive post - but it's not going to be. I'm sorry if that's what you were looking for. You can leave now if you want. No feelings will be hurt or offended. It's ok, I promise.

I should be holding my child today - or atleast close to holding my little boy or girl. I should be happy and glowing and excited. I'm not. I'm not days or even months close to holding my child because I have no child to hold or anticipate to hold. I'm defective and should be sent back. I wasn't made correctly. It's a sign -- It wasn't meant to be. It's just a fact I'm going to have to live with.

The medication isn't working - the plan isn't going accordingly. I can't even go the more aggressive route because the medication was the first step there as well. I feel like I'm out of options and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining. I thought I was getting better - I thought I was moving forward but ya know what? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!! IT ISN'T RIGHT! I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. I followed all the books and DID EVERYTHING I was supposed to!! WHAT MAKES ME UNDESERVING??!!?? WHY!!

Why?

Why not Jim and I? Why am I forced to watch all of these other people with their children? Please...Take this pain and make it go away. Please....Tell me if I'm meant to be a mommy. Please...Tell me you didn't make me have those dreams - the two little twin boys with the brightest green eyes - just to tease me. Please...Tell me there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Please...Tell me there's some justification to all of this pain...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I went to see Transformers 2 yesterday. Wow. That was a different movie as opposed to the first. It was good -- don't get me wrong; a very, very good movie but there was a whole lot more sexual references in the 2nd as opposed to the 1st. I probably wouldn't take anyone under the age of 12 to it - and then that's probably pushing.

I also got a new book at Barnes and Noble yesterday. It's by Kathy Reichs. I'm hoping it's good. I've been wanting to read one of her books for awhile now seeing as how she is the reason the TV show Bones is around but other books always seem to distract me when I'm in the book store.

I haven't gotten any scrapbooking done yet this weekend. Looks like I probably won't either as we have plans to go over to a friends tonight. Oh Well. Maybe I can get something done in that direction before we have to leave...like getting the pictures sent to Wal-mart or some journaling once I've selected the pictures.

Oh I should go get my day started. It just such a muggy/blah feeling day....I want to go on vacation....LOL. Maybe I'll start on that today too...We have to make our dining reservations. Ok - off I go....

Random fact of the day: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and looks out the window which hope has opened.--Charles Spurgeon

Today was a bit of a rough day; it was a long, long day.

I read the blog of a friend today and it moved me to tears. I'm not talking about a single tear or just watery eyes - I mean tears flowing. Her words were that powerful and completely totally full of meaning. It honestly felt like she'd plucked some of the words right out of my head and allowed my emotions to breathe. Which leads me to the topic of my post....

wait
v. wait·ed, wait·ing, waits
v.intr.
a. To remain or rest in expectation: waiting for the guests to arrive. See Synonyms at stay
b. To tarry until another catches up.
2. To remain or be in readiness: lunch waiting on the table.
3. To remain temporarily neglected, unattended to, or postponed:
4. To work as a waiter or waitress.

It should also say that it's a horrible and nasty word. Completely and absolutely assinine. Wait should be added about the 4-letter words that are considered "naughty".

I used to be one of those people - ya know those people, who because they didn't know what else to say, would make all the wrong comments (it'll happen, relax, you're concentrating on it too much...) not knowing how hurtful they are without even meaning to be. I'm more mindful of my words now. Much more.

Impatience.

It's not good in combination with wait. They are like oil and water and should not (and most often can not) be mixed.

Hope. v.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
2. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment
3. To look forward to with confidence or expectation

This is one of those good 4-lettered words. It instills a goodness in your mind of something that is essentially pure.


I know that there are alot of people pulling for us and I'm pulling for others who I know that are in the same boat as us.

I just want to thank my friend - you have put into words feelings that I couldn't articulate -- and that I am glad that we have become friends. I am glad that you have welcomed me into your life and have become part of my support "circle" (and I hope that I have become part of yours as well...)

I think I will log off at this point and go to bed, feeling more relaxed and at peace.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Proceed with the Plan.

Ok -- well I've had a blood test (and the guy completely bruised my arm!!). The results came back negative (which is what I suspected so it wasn't like a shock or anything.) so we move onward with the plan.

What plan you ask? Well, let me explain it to you... ha ha ha.

Basically my OB/GYN is going to jump start my cycle (similar to a car is the visual I get in my head - only with medication instead of cables and electric shock ;-] ) and hopefully things (Are you listening body?? I hope you are hearing me....) cooperate after that. We shall see. It was the middle of the road option, which really surprised my NP because I'm impatient and well...I want things NOW.

I was given the option to wait - see if things corrected themselves and that just wasn't going to work for me. Sorry -- it's the whole impatience thing. The second option was to take this medication and then see where things go. . . The third was the the most aggressive - to take this one medication and then take this other medication (and that will be my recourse if this doesn't work) to try and jump start the cycle as well as jump ovulation.

As much as I want this to happen (I do obviously) I want to do it somewhat naturally....We'll see how this works. I feel better now that there's a tenative plan in place; it makes life much easier when there's atleast options on the table. I think I'm more at ease now than I have been in the last 7 months; it's almost odd feeling. I still don't like it, but it's easier to handle now....I think that's what I mean to say.

I had this other complete thought process for a blog this afternoon but blogger wasn't cooperating and now the thought is gone...Oh well -- maybe it'll come back tomorrow.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me' -- Ayn Rand

I heard this quote today and it struck me -- hard. It really made me think about everything that I see everyday and what I want out of life.

I want to be a mother. I want to have a little family with my husband and see the eyes through my child(ren). And I feel sorry for anyone who tries to stand in the way of that dream because they will get run over.

I actually danced around the kitchen today while I unloaded/loaded the dishwasher and it felt good! I didn't care that I probably looked like a fool and someone might come home and see me. I didn't care!

Right now - at this moment in time - life is almost bliss. I have a snuggly puppy and it's a gorgeous night. The only thing that could make it better is for J to be home -- which I think that he actually just pulled into the drive. :)

Random Dumb Law of the Day: In the state of Arizona is is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.