Wishing...

I wish this wasn't so hard.

“In order to plan your future wisely, it is necessary that you understand and appreciate your past.” Jo Coudert

Isn't that a great quote? I think it's one of the wisest quotes I've heard in awhile because it speaks volumes in just a few small words and it's true in almost all aspects of life. I mean would we appreciate where we are today if it wasn't for our past? Would someone who struggled through college, barely making ends meet and having to give up certain social activities, or new clothes every weekend, or a trip home if they are studying far away from time to time appreciate the dream job they just landed if it were to have been just given to them without any effort on their part? Maybe but more than likely not. Sure it would be nice to have everything handed to us on a silver platter but what would we learn? What experience would we gain? I'm not saying that life needs to be one constant struggle but I think that if there is something that someone wants bad enough they will find away; it may not be the easiest and it may not be immediate but the dream will come true for them.



Had an excellent lesson on Thursday. I feel so confident and more relaxed and better balanced. It was like everything just clicked. It's nice to know that I'm getting my riding legs back and that my previous forgotten skills are coming back quicker with each lesson. I'm not even comparing myself to my friend L (she rides with me) but it's nice to have that one other person there because I'm a very visual person and I can take a minute break and watch her form and her technique if I'm struggling. I hope that makes sense...in my head it sounded much better....lol. If anyone needs a good inner thigh muscle work out - go ride a horse! I'm truly loving it. :) I love how I'm completely focused on something other than work, something other than what's going on in my life for 2 hours every Thursday. There's something about having to have your brain be completely and totally engaged in the now that's very therapeutic. :)



I had a doctor's appointment on Friday (yesterday). Everything went well. Asked a bunch of questions and I feel better about where we stand. I hate feeling helpless and this appointment today made me feel less. We made some decisions and we'll see where that takes us. Knowing that there options gives me just enough sense of control that I don't feel my world is spinning out of orbit. I feel confident in our decision and while I'm still very much trying not to get my hopes up, I'm being cautiously optimistic.

Well I've had a headache for most of the day, so I'm completely wiped out and I think I'm going to bed or atleast going to get off of here...LOL

Random Fact: In Boulder Colorado it is illegal to let a Llama graze on city property.

Give me strength, courage, and trust beyond that which I have...

Rough weekend and try as I might my mood has been slightly less than stellar.

My Dad has been gone now for 2 years. Doesn't really seem like it but it has. That of course has got me to thinking what am I going to lose this year? In 2007 I lost my father, in 2008 we suffered a miscarriage. 2009 isn't over yet. Am I going to lose something else? I hate thinking of it that way and I really am trying not to but it's definitely a thought that has crossed my mind this weekend.

Other than that, I managed to bruise my elbow by slamming it (not bumping it, or whacking it - I mean full force slam) into a door frame as I was rushing around on Saturday and I managed to cut my finger while I was trying to cut up the potatoes. I managed to peel them just fine but when I was cubing them up, I nicked my finger. Thought everything was ok, then I saw the blood. Just a small cut but still, felt like just my luck this weekend. OH! and I managed to get a UTI. Lucky, fun for me.

Still no period. Tested again on Friday with another negative result. We're going on 46 days now. I'm going to try and make an appointment this week. We'll probably end up doing the Provera again and go from there...It's such a frustrating situation. I can't even tell the office when I think I ovulated because I don't know because I don't have a steady pattern...Grrrr.

For some reason, when I write things down here I feel better. I've also started journaling again; not that I don't love my blog, but it's so nice to just be able to "empty" my mind. To just be able to put everything into words. Hopefully that makes sense.

I think I'm gonna wake J up and go to bed.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - Maria Robinson

I spent tonight (well about 2 hours) holding an absolutely, positively adorable little girl who is about 5 days old. I did it willingly, and I loved it and it didn't hurt. I was content; in absolutely bliss. Yes I shed some tears but so did others around the table of which I was sitting. I was also very stunned to learn that what I've gone through had a profound effect on the person who gave birth to this child. I was very moved and touched and I've come to the conclusion that either the hole is still there and I've just become accustomed to the pain or maybe, just maybe - it's healing. I prefer the latter. It was just a very good night overall. :)

Had a good lesson on Thursday. Used more muscle groups that haven't been activated in a while. It felt good. I really love (and missed) riding. It's a good mind occupier.

The season premieres so far have a been a bit blah. I just am not sure how I feel about them. Maybe I just expected more fireworks with how the season ended in May....I don't know but the good news is that the season has begun and with it the twists and turns that it always brings.

The cold weather is starting to drift in bits at a time. I feel like there is so much more to do before the cold cold weather hits. The livingroom has to get finished and everything that it on the fireplace has to be put back. We have to have the furnace serviced (well that needs to be done prior to January) and all the wood needs to be stacked (well finished - it's about half done.). There just seems to list a mile long at the moment. One step at a time, one day at a time.

I think I'm going to head off to bed now. :)

Random fact: Kermit the Frog is left-handed, ya know in case you ever wondered. :)

Turn back on the broken heartache
Some things are just meant to be
I still believe that we got a chance
Still believe that we got a chance to be
Too much is never enough and
Too little is never enough
Full speed got me looking out my rear view
I can’t go back

---Pop Evil "100 in a 55"

I love these lyrics. They have so much meaning and can be applied in so many different situations. I think music so wonderful because it can speak to anyone regardless of what language you speak, religion you are, clothes you wear, car you drive...etc. It is a universal language that can make people feel, remember, reflect...etc. Maybe that's why I listen to such varied kinds of music...or maybe it's because of the fact that everyone in my house growing up listened to something different...maybe? LOL.

I think I'm in a better place today. I'm sure that I'm in a better place. Yes, I still wish it was me too but she's my good friend and I'm gonna be there for her. I'm going to share in her joys and listen to her when she needs someone to vent to. :) I'm excited for her and if she has a girl - I'm going to find the frilliest, poufiest, pinkest dress I can find (but of course it'll still be cute. LOL.)

I talked to J, my friend/Nurse Practioner and she said that there's a possibility (although not a large chance) that I just tested too early. I'm trying to be patient and wait and if that doesn't work, we'll try again. I think that waiting it the worst part of everything; Wait is such a nasty, nasty word. I really think it should be banned from the english language. So should the word patience.

I'm excited for Fall TV. :) All the previews look so promising. :) :) I'm also working on writing more again. Sometimes I wonder if I should put all these blogs into a book but then I think that wouldn't be good reading. hmm..

In other news...there was an article on MSN about NY's Governor Paterson where apparently President Obama has asked Patternson to withdraw his name from the 2010 elections. Apparently other states are referring to him as NY's Paterson Problem. My initial thought is who in the heck thinks we'd re-elect him in the first place?? I mean come on, he's the biggest waste this state's had in a while. He's practically run it in to the ground.

Ok I think I'm going to sign off for the night....Sweet dreams to all. :)

Random Fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

I hate feeling like this.

I hate feeling defective but I know no other way to feel.

I'm so happy for my friend L. She found out she was pregnant today. It'll be her second child. I found out I was not. I'll grin and smile and bear the pain. She's my friend.

I guess I shouldn't be suprised or upset but I am and it hurts. It hasn't happened again yet. I don't think I'm going to be able to get pregnant. I think someone upstairs realized they made a mistake the 1st time and flicked the switch to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's not fair.

I want to cry but I don't have the energy. I keep telling myself I'm not going to get my hopes up and then I do. I...I just suck.


Random Fact: The rose is the official National Floral emblem of the United States. This legislation was signed into law by President Ronald Reagan on October 7, 1986. The rose is also the state flower selected by Georgia, Iowa, New York, North Dakota and the District of Columbia.

Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.”

The quote is far more somber than I meant for it to sound but yet it still speaks.

Last Monday (Aug 31) didn't go horribly. It didn't necessarily go 100% the way that I wanted but it went fairly well. :)

Labor Day was exciting. I got to spend the better part of the day with my Grandparents. I wish they weren't going back to Florida for the winter (or maybe it's just that I wish I was going with them...LOL) but I know that they'll be back before I know it.

I think summer is mainly over here. Kinda stinks seeing as how we really haven't had much of a summer. It's just been really, really rainy.

Other than that - not too much is going on.


Random Fact: All porcupines float in water.